i should be used to it by now, i don’t know why i pretend that it isn’t going to happen, i can’t figure out why i act so shocked when the things come up. i put such faith in those small exhalations of breath in between softly spoken words, and it always seems that the breath turns foul and fetid…and so uninviting. oversensitive? maybe. maybe i’m still trying to understand how it seems ok to do things on camera as opposed to real life…perhaps it is the curse of being male and seeing things in too much comparison. force me to evaluate who i am, force me to think about what i say, force me to focus on how i behave. its me, and its you. i’m not here to fix the problem, but at least maybe now you recognize it yourself, and maybe i recognize mine. i’m getting my tongue pierced….and i’m getting a tickler barbell top. the signup sheet is losing blanks fast, pretty soon there may not be room on the list for your name, so sign up quick. i talked with a friend for a while last night, had a nice discussion about boobs. i don’t think i love boobs, i think i prefer asses more than boobs. and i don’t think i really like blondes, either, color really does justice to the skin. certain complexions are ok for blonde, but there are some that just don’t fit well at all. i don’t know why i have to be a sucker for red though. so, whatever. the strip club seems to be calling my name, although i try so hard not to “go back to what i know best.” so few options, such infinite time. i despise not having companionship, and i am beginning to despise companionship even more than having it. misery may love company, but company usually invites misery. so, whatever. things are cool, i’m going to pretend that i don’t know anything or speak anything that’s on my mind, especially lately. i’m still looking for that one physical body that can make me feel like a 17 year old again, but i don’t think it’s possible anymore. i don’t think there is anyone out there that has the ability. practice on defending yourselves in your sleep, i’m becoming so weak trying to defend you from those that oppose what you believe in.