i’m still having unpleasant thoughts. it baffles me that it has taken so long for everything to flood back, or maybe it’s everything that i’ve swallowed and hidden for so many years. i keep thinking about mortality, and being alone, and having no real legacy. should i have been married and had kids by now? it has been eating at me that there are no male children in my family. i’m not even sure why it is on my mind this late in life, but there is something very depressing about our family tree ending with no one continuing on.

maybe i need to find a surrogate. it’s really bothering me lately.