gawd i should stop trying to be nice all the time. i give and give and give….i feel like i’m back to where i was, so perhaps it has been a learning and cathartic experience, i realize where i stand with most women i meet. makes me feel like some people aren’t what you think they are though, that’s the part that bothers me most. even the most perfect souls can be deceiving at times, i’m going back to being superficial as fuck and only caring about how hott someone is. and then on top of that, i say this shit every other day and i never go through with it, i never follow it, i never convince myself that i will truly do it. so, my feelings are hurt. i bring it on myself, of course, i’m a glutton for punishment. now it sounds like i’m being self loathing, and i’m not. i’m being realistic and honest. i’d have just as much luck pursuing some other chick as i would (and DID) pursuing the she-hag, someone i at least HAD something with…and i’m supposed to start OVER from scratch? yeah, right….like i have that chance…most people can’t look past my “rugged good looks.” and yes, that was sarcasm, i’m aware of my inability to attract women based on my appearance, i’m aware that i don’t resemble anything “cute” or “attractive.” so be it, no more compliments, no more affection. psychologically speaking, we all act the way we wish others to act toward us. well, when it isn’t reciprocated, it is so difficult to not be that way, thus the pain begins. it’s all logistical, it’s all easy to figure out. the part that isn’t is HOW THE FUCK TO NOT WORRY OR CARE ABOUT IT….someone fucking hurt me again, why do i even believe that i can trust a human again. g damn mortals, they’re all the same. and i let one creature push me to this limit, i let one thing that i should have never touched reach this deep into my crux and belittle all those things that i once was. “don’t you tell me how i feel, you don’t know just how i feel” –trent reznor and the depression returns, it’s been around four months since i started the meds, it’s been about 4 months since the deepest true anguish began. it’s been 4 months and the relapse was expected, i can only pray that it IS merely a relapse. so many steps closer to what i was, the hair is back, the self-interest is growing, the ability to stop pain, the ability to ignore those things which hurt, the coldness and abrasiveness are slowly increasing in strength once more, this blue wall shall become stronger than you could ever fucking imagine. emotional shields are so humanly brittle, i’m not creating it the way i had before, the new model shall come to pass and things will be soooo different. don’t worry, i WON’T touch or cling anymore, now that i can see how painful and unwanted it truly has become. my feelings were hurt, but i don’t want the sympathy. i’ve swallowed it with the rest and i’ll continue to hide it.