work….blah….saw marvin today, he’s doing well from what he said, i’m so glad for some of these people that have escaped the black claws of the toys r us kingdom…there are just some things i loathe about that business and company…those black claws aren’t grabbing me though. i’m preferring to work simply as an hourly associate, not salary management. and in other news….. why do some people just make you so fucking happy? it can be a bit sickening at times, i can’t decide if i like someone to have that much power over me. the power to influence one’s mood is something that can be taken for granted or abused, or sometimes even unused for anything. i know this power is not being abused, fortunately, so i don’t feel i’m endangered by this creature. is it my fear of that power over me or is it jealousy and contempt for not having that same type of control? whatever it is, it is a bit new to me, i hope it doesn’t lead me down a wrong walkway once more. all the damn restraint, all the holding back, this is going to be very difficult to fully release and allow someone a fair chance in my mind. or maybe it is all in my head and i dont’ feel a godd damned thing, i just think i do. my mind is in a twisted tangle of confusion right now and none of my thoughts are completely coherent, i even mistrust myself at times. i wonder if i lie to myself and create falsities within my own consciousness in order to falsify happiness or disappointment… i wish i could put that perfect smile on that one face…the one that will last, the one that will stay in place. i hate to see it slip or contort into something else. so much behind those eyes, so much i wish i could say and truly be felt and heard. but no, not this time. not this life. things happen for a reason, and they all happen when they should…i must follow my own advice and avoid hypocrisy. mr. bean is one of the funniest damned movies i’ve seen in quite a while…i didn’t know it’d be that enjoyable, i must say it looked a bit silly at first, but i couldn’t stop fucking laughing…i highly recommend that one, go check it out. i watch you laugh, i watch you smile, and i watch you hurt. i feel it, you know that. be well. thank you for the company. and the rest of you, “keep on truckin.”