so things have been mostly normal again, finally, or something……..at least similar…whatever. life moves, life stops, life continues to move. i can’t say i’m truly happy, but i am happy with my life. i am happy within my discomfort and distaste for my situation, as senseless as that is. i long for companionship, yet am happy to be alone. i do not depend on anyone, i do not need anyone in my life, things would simply be more enjoyable if i had someone. and now there are talks of new people, one person mentioned to me from someone at work, i was told someone i talked to on the phone believed i had a “very sexy voice” and wondered what i was like…could it be a set up? should i bother? and what of my compacted feelings in my gut for another? i’ve pushed them further down to make things easier, alas they still cause the funny feeling in my throat. its usually only when i’m in close contact with the person, and almost always there…it is a funny tickly feeling in my throat, almost like the feeling you get when you want to cry, but the opposite type of feeling, a pleasurable one. i tend to feel giddy and “alive” in these situations. and what the frick is my draw to younger girls??? i wouldn’t settle for anything that is less than legal of course, i just sometimes wish things were easier. most older women are just too snobby for my taste…and they dont’ have that “fresh beauty” that a younger woman has. dunno, call me superficial and narcissistic….i just love beauty. speaking of beauty, OMG i love the new hair color of my friend. i’m not even sure what it is, just something hugely attractive about it, very eye pleasing. so i spent a lot of money on some hellsing collectibles….but oh man, i just hope they are as cool as they looked. also bought hellsing disc 2, it was FUCKING awesome…i highly recommend it to anyone….alucard is a fucking RIDICULOUS badass. and to the statement…”remind me not to ….” i knew it was a joke….and it would be difficult not to do it anyway, you know that much. sorry i kept you up so late Maximum, i think it was one of our more enjoyable nights, laughter still fills my heart from our time together today 🙂