So where have I found myself? not with anyone and yet surrounded by people. it was a failed experiment for me to attempt an overly emotional existence; things only became more complicated. it was so much easier when i wasn’t accomodating. my friends have become friends, and it seems i am becoming a diminishing part of the group. i think my attachments are slipping as well, i find myself more apathetic each day, as if no one holds an interest for me the way they used to. maybe i’m just sick of playing cat and mouse. life passes day by day, and i’m still left to wonder…is SHE thinking about me? did any of it really even matter? i’ve been coming to grips with my lessons in life…the things i’ve learned from my mistakes, the things that others have done to me, the things i have done to others. how many lives have i inexplicably changed in the course of my years? was any of it truly worth it? what hurts the most is that the ones that mean so much are the ones that offer so little. humans find attraction in such infantile things, maybe it starts at an early age. some of our values are learned from our parents, of course, but what of other influences? and further, what of us that have grown independently from the constraints of a stereotypical society? i find myself so lost in the eyes of culture. my identity is confusing, my reality is erratic, even my own mind and thoughts sometimes seem so alien inside my own head. are we genuinely a product of our environment? and what if that environment was or had become so horrific or deluded that we as a product came out unfit to exist with the masses of disillusioned sheep? people often ask and show concern over political views, but i say what the hell, why must i choose the lesser of two evils? tell me i therefore don’t have right to an opinion on such matters, and i say great…the less opinions i’m forced to have the safer my world becomes. i will take a partial stance on religion, however my views are as confusing as the virtues and values behind them. how do i explain to a closed mind that an energy field exists around the human body and that all of us have the capability of harnessing that energy for negative or positive activity? it is a preposterous concept, one that i could neither fully explain nor prove, yet i believe it as much as i believe the grass is green. i unfortunately am a large energy syphon; i attract and retain incredible amounts of energy, and so many people see it but never quite know what it is. people pass it off as “something about me” that just makes me special and memorable. those i have met usually won’t forget the experience, and on many occasions i am told that i am “one of the mose unique people (they) have ever met.” is it true? am i worthy of such words? probably not, especially if they understood the true nature of why they noticed it. why is it i should be labeled as such a freak? social interaction might be a lot easier had i turned out normal, but again, so many outlooks are as subjective as describing the shade of red a rose is. all of our perceptions are due to change or be influenced, and the pressure of others can be undermining to our own mental stability. i don’t know how to maintain the continuity of what i am trying to say. i sit alone and watch the cars drive by out the window of this desolate dennys window. what color are they? will i ever see HER drive by on this dark road of my continuing existence? i wish i knew why she had to have such an impact on everything i once believed impossible…i not once believed a human could interrupt my incredible existence. it’s funny, i use the word existence and she doesn’t even pretend that i have one. i disappeared from the face of the earth and from the shadow of her own soul. am i brooding? of course not, but to deny that i miss her would be an utter lie. my emotions are rampant for people that can do such heartless things, but at the same time do i become a hypocrite because of my own apathy and detachment? do i still love her? yes, and love and hate are the same simple, raw emotion, only exact opposites of the same basic feeling. hate is the appropriate social word to use, but my connotation of the word is most confusing to regular people. where is MY soul to share with? i find bare connections with people who have turned out to be so unworthy, and yet i can’t stop believing that someone exists that will purely understand what i am and what i offer. i live as a lesson. i show people that magnificence does possibly exist. i’m no more special than any others, i only allow myself to rise above all boundaries and limits. i’m not the once everyone is seeking, i’m way too complicated to honestly be happy with. my world is a series of contradictions and idiosyncracies, most of which seem abrasive, controlling, and selfish. i appear so hurtful to others because i speak my mind. open truth can be very painful, especially when expressed so openly. i never meant any harm, and i can pretend that the world is an open playground, but i will forever be the one standing outside the fence trying to understand the rules. i may participate once in a while, but i will always be picked by default, as i’ll be the last one to be available for the team to pick. i love to be happy, but i can’t deny the happiness that exists in feeling hurt. without pain, we’d never know how great it feels to be without it.