ok, its like 8 am, i’ve been up for like 30 minutes already….i feel refreshed but i know i’m damn tired….blah. i hate it when this happens. so my tongue is swollen now, it’s a bit sore, moreso than yesterday, but bearable. i’m HUNGRY so hopeflly i can eat something real instead of stupid liquid stuff. ah well. so i had “the talk” last night with a friend, i think i’ve established my point and maybe described the feelings i had and didn’t have anymore. it was a worthwhile pursuit, but in the long run it has ended, and perhaps simply for the best. i can’t change the heart of someone, as much as i couldn’t pretend to feel something that isn’t there, either. i’m best suited to be alone, maybe at least for now. there are still so many reminiscent thoughts and feelings i get somedays when i am doing menial things that just bring me back to the way things were when someone else was here, like now, for instance…i’m sitting in the dark in the early morning because i can’t sleep….i’d get yelled and and given dirty looks oh so many times for doing something like this….for waking up and leaving my companion in bed so i could go off and do other things. if i only knew at the time, of course, and i can’t change the past. i can’t fix those things now, and i can’t say that i regret it, either, i am in this position in my life for a reason, regardless of if i know what that reason truly is. every event up until the present has happened for a reason, everything has a certain meaning for playing out the way they do, whether or not we understand why. at this moment i do not understand why, i can only keep faith in the belief that it has all happened for some larger cause or notion. the coldness in my heart seems to be returning, so perhaps my healing is bringing me back to my safe place. things have become increasingly more rational and logical and much less emotional. i am beginning to miss the “notion” of crystal being with me, and not really “emotionally” missing her like i used to. she was a pain in the ass most of the time anyway, i can’t babysit teenagers all my life. for once i guess it would be nice to feel some attraction to someone closer to my own age and maturity level. i’m so empty….even pausing momentarily to assure myself that i’m not just allowing my emotions to reroute my rationality…..i don’t feel anything. i no longer have that slight uneasiness in my heart and stomach…the one that makes me feel like i’m longing or yearning for something…..it finally left. everything feels A OK. “..the crowd begins to grin, but they seem to scream when darkness fills my eyes…”