i believe i’ve found the culprit for my feelings of foreboding and uneasiness….i feel i’m in a downswing. things have been great for over a month now, and as we know, the pendulum always swings both ways. it was only a matter of time before i would find myself in pain and self-loathing again, but it will all pass soon enough. everyone has their mood swings, just happens that i end up with the most extreme of them usually. i’ve slept more, and now i realize why i tried to sleep as little as possible….i’ve started dreaming again. i wish even some of you could truly relate to the types of dreams in which i exist, they are so vivid, so real….so much that if i didn’t have a grasp of my true sanity that i would fully question which were my real existence. my roles are usually so important there, but they usually end up so hurtful. to add to the negative feelings i saw “her” a few times in the dream….now of course everyone will assume it is a feeling of regret or something, but honestly no….all i felt was contempt and anger in the dream….she was doing all those things that she did so well….silly humans. i don’t even know how to put the rest of the dream into words or where to even begin explaining it, all i can say is that it was fucked beyond imagination…i went from a real entity to somehow becoming a ghost existing in the same place and only certain “native” people could see me. part of it was a bit voyeuristic, i remember a couple coming to the house and the girl was in a swimsuit or something and i kept making noise and such to get them to investigate….i dunno, like i said….”fucked.” i need to clean.