this is what happens when i fall asleep early. i frikkin wake up and can’t go back to sleep. i’m a mere two days away from my bday week, it’s not so much my bday i’m looking forward to but more the time away from work….i’ve longed for a time to just sleep and wake up at my leisure….to have nothing important to do, to have no productive things occupying my time….just time to myself for whatever. i really want to get a new tattoo, it’s just so hard deciding what to get and for me WHERE to get it. i have my next lovecraft design in mind, i just don’t know if i’m ready for it. i could always redo the cross on my arm so it doesn’t look like crayon. i’m out of damn cigs too, i should break myself of that habit as well, i just feel like i’ll do something else in place of it, like drink more caffeine or eat more or something. it gives me something to kill the time, as lame of an excuse as that really is. i miss my friends, at times i long for things to be the way they were, hanging out in coffee shops, no obligations, just talking and fun, i think i dealt better back then. i need stimulation for my mind, i need argument and disorder…i need someone to give me REASONS why they believe something while i give my reasons why i disagree….perhaps i feel that i’ve given so much information and advice lately that i’m not getting much discussion and debate. i watch movies and automatically want to debunk or elucidate the topics, this is where i piss off people. i’m difficult to deal with, i know this, alot of people really have patience with me. it’s just in my nature. and although everyone assumes i’ll accredit it to being an aquarius, i’ll just say it’s “my personality.” maybe my resurgence for change and new adaptations are coming because i’ve hit my time, i revamped my underwear style completely and made the change to boxers from everything else. part of it was for comfort and movement for my jewelry, but that wasn’t totally it. while shopping with holly i found myself saying “i think i’m losing touch with my (individuality)” or something to that effect. it wasn’t “individuality” but i can’t think of the word i actually used. i don’t feel i make such an impression anymore, i don’t feel like i’m as creative and outspoken. i seep into the masses on occasion, perhaps it was just the aquarian wind blowing and telling me to explore new venues for expression. i think i’ve dreamt of about all the “hers” from my life recently, good and bad. i’ve felt so apathetic i wonder if i’m fit to deal with humans as it were, i found my mode of “not giving a shit” when things happen. this makes me distant and careless, but i say it makes me safe and honest. again, my internal hypocrisy and contradiction….i’m one to believe that any reaction be it negative or positive is better than no reaction, but in my case no reaction is easiest for me than positive or negative. if i give a positive reaction i’m seen as being sarcastic, if i give a negative one i’m an asshole, and if i give no reaction then i’m simply not interested. i don’t have a method to win in those situations, so instead of picking one of the first two, i think i’d rather seem uninterested if only i could eloquently describe my personality in words that make sense in a nonsensical way…if only i had a “guide to daniel” book to give people when i become close to them for that person to truly see my intentions instead of making natural assumptions about my actions. therein lies the problem in my eyes, i become grouped into that stereotype of being “like everyone else” when that isn’t true, my belief structure is so radically different even i don’t understand myself sometimes. i feel lucky that some people may create a timeline in their life of “before i met daniel” and “after i met daniel” but at times i downright abhor the idea…i don’t want to be that important to someone, and i don’t want to be such a hearty comparison that others will seem so intensely different from me. but hey, i’m an insomniac, what the hell does it matter….maybe i don’t even know what i’m saying…. “…all of the sudden i find myself in love with the world, and there was only one thing that i could do, ding a ling dang my dang along ling long…”