where am i going…what am i doing…why am i here….who am i supposed to be…when will it happen…. i am so happy when i’m alone, yet i crave so much the tender touch of human flesh…but it seems only at my convenience. i haven’t found a “partner” like i used to have, i can’t compare anything and at the same time i don’t think i’ll see what it is i’m truly looking for….there are so many souls that i’ve touched in my life, and yet all of them seem to be so far away. i really think it is the aquarian nature to be utterly alone for eternity, we’re just not meant for this lifetime. and when i think i see something that will become what i need, i drastically find myself changing again. things get so complicated and so unbearable while alone, and yet emotional bonds just cause more confusion and dependancy. i don’t want someone to rely on me for ANYTHING, and i don’t want to rely on someone for my sense of well being. i’ve metamorphosized into the thing i want to be, i’m becoming self-confident and adequate, i don’t find myself feeling so insecure about things now, and then i find myself feeling so damn male about situations, like i should run out and sow my wild testosterone driven oats, but so many moralistic issues keep me from being “that guy.” i wish the balance would arrive soon, and amidst the negative things that have happened in my life lately, i only see the future and wish for the tides to keep rolling. i enjoy the change, i’m happy i lost my job, and yet so depressed that things have turned sour. my needs aren’t being met and i’m losing my cling to my ladder of growth. i NEED souls to keep my fire quenched, i need to know that they will always be there. i’ve gone this far to keep from hating someone, although i allowed it to happen for a short time. sure i still feel the neglect and hurt of watching one of them fall madly in love with a lesser creature, but my temper can be calmed at my own self-awareness of being better than the other choices. i know who i am, i know what i offer, i know the person i plan on being, and i scare myself at realizing that it will take a lot of patience and understanding to allow someone to get that close to my true essence again. the sun will shine, and the moon will glow, and i’ll sit and stare at both of them until they burn out wishing that i could be drastically different enough to let myself love one of these people wholeheartedly once more… “…i wish i was….”