i had one of those deja vu -ish sentimentality memories tonight….i was driving home from my parents house and it was cold, dark, rainy, foggy, just generally dismal outside….just the way i like it. i rounded a corner and had the resurgent feeling of having done that before on my way to pick someone up for a date, it was more of a generalized feeling and not so much directed at one person, as i love dates in bad weather like this. i felt the charm of life brush over my skin and i tingled in it’s joy for a small moment and i was able to smile and sigh deeply by at least recognizing a human emotion that i once had…something i’ve seemed so incapable of lately. i believe i’ve lost touch with most of my emotional side, i only find myself apathetic and lackluster. perhaps i’ll wear it for a while, things seem easier for me, but i am getting the feeling i may end up hurting others in the process, which is why i urge myself to not get too close anymore. so many things seem to just slip away and i don’t seem to notice….it isn’t fair to others, and i don’t want them to suffer through my period of self-degredation. i am utterly depressed, i can’t lie about that, although i don’t exactly feel sad. i just know that i’m depressed from my lack of interest and inability to have true desire. i wish for people to be around and then only wish i could be alone. i think maybe i want someone to suffer with me so i don’t have to do it alone, it gives me a sense of belonging, perhaps. then again, maybe i’m just bored with my current position and status in life, maybe i’m finally desiring more from my abilities and knowledge, maybe it’s time for me to truly share what i am and all that i know. if only someone really wanted to learn and listen to all those things that i find interesting and important, if only someone believed me when i say that things don’t happen by coincidence, everything happens for a reason, no matter how insignificant they may seem. everyone has something to offer, something beautiful, we just have to take the time to listen and understand what it is they want to show us.