emotion always comes and goes, i just wish i had balance. it is so damned easy to get close to someone, and it is so easy to allow our minds to wander into new areas that we shouldn’t venture. where the fuck are MY creatures? i find myself shutting off more and more each day, only after i felt i made positive steps in finding the ability to feel again…i am so fucking apathetic to most people, and when those opportunities arise when i wish to be more feeling and human, i close my eyes to them or i don’t respond appropriately. i have had wonderful company lately, and of course old memories and responses are only continuing to resurface. i think of my happiness, i think of my despondence. all the things we wish to find in life are always at our grasp, yet they seem to stay at the tips of our fingertips. i missed having someone with me, i missed waking next to someone, i missed sleeping next to someone…i missed someone simply BEING there. i want to kiss someone and MEAN it again, i want to hug someone and FEEL it…i want to stare longingly into someone’s eyes and know that they are looking directly back at me…i HATE your fucking human emotions that keep the ones that care so hurtfully far away. i kept myself out of this cycle and mentality, and now i only seem to be lusting for my human side once more…the side of me that shows appreciation and heart to those poor creatures that have so much love and beauty… i am still becoming human….i find it more each day. i love, i care, i feel. and yet…i am not the “type” that is being sought, i’m not the one that is offered the chance to give happiness. “you’re the greatest guy i know, but you are not the type i would date.” ladies, don’t EVER use that line. although it is meant well, it only adds to serious insecurity that most men already have. i could be the greatest fucking creation that the world has ever laid eyes on, but if i’m not the “type” that a woman wants, i’m no better off than if i was the worst creation in the universe. i’m tired. i’m lonely. my hands are still open, and my eyes keep shutting.