will she come? everything always comes full circle….and sometimes we are left out of the circle. am i shutting off TOO much? i’m better than this. i don’t always pay attention to the signals i send, i don’t always pay attention to the things i allow to happen. i’m always a glutton for punishment, but i have to stop making others suffer because of my indignity and self-loathing. i’m still not playing second fiddle, i’ve done it too many times before. if i’m not wanted, i disappear, i don’t allow myself to feel more pain than i should. there are a million pretty faces in the world….i always seem to look at them all. don’t forget…i am the fucking lesson. i am the epitome of all that is despised, my soul is black and empty. is this truly how you want to be? so uncaring and shut off from the rest of humanity? this is coldness, this is emotionlessness….this is what you all aspire to become. is it worth it? i felt for her. i think a small part of me fell too hard, part of me always does. i continue to make it happen. it was nothing that a human could do to keep me from having some shred of emotion….which is why i hold no anger for all those that have come before and those that will follow. i don’t resent people, i don’t harbor contempt, i’m not mad at anyone. it’s possible for me to feel love in it’s most infant form, and possibly in a more formal nature as well, but not yet. it’s too soon and too difficult to contain. it is SO much easier to simply step back and detach. this is me…detaching. again. i have my music, i have my dvds, i have my pc, and i have alot of friends. what i don’t have is someone to truly love, but is that really the answer to my problems?