i feel so stuck, so stagnant. i have too many things sitting on my (small) shoulders as it is, i don’t need any more voices in my ears, so to speak. humans suck, so ultimately, so purely. i so often wonder how much goodness is left in the race, i’m not sure if any exists at all. they are so unsure of themselves…so determined to fuck up, so easily desiring things that are hopelessly detrimental. who am i to talk though, i lead myself in the same directions. hurt…pain…rejection….love….trust….hurt….despondence….mistrust….hatred….pain….separation….ultimatum. why do we FUCK with people, why do we FUCK others over, why do we FUCKING do all these things to ourselves? i am so gawddamn scared of love right now it’s not even funny….i wonder how the FUCK i’m going to react to another soul if it gets too close, i wonder how i’m going to allow myself to even GET that close again. i feel so much apathy and lack of interest in true pursual of anything worthwhile i believe i’m going be alone forever because of my indifference to chase another and the indifference of others chasing me. i’m unwanted as usual, i’m used to that, i just wish i’d stop finding people to reject me. if it doesn’t happen, then it can’t hurt me again. i guess i was hurt a bit from M when she just suddenly stopped calling, but then again, perhaps i caused her pain by not giving a shit about anything anyway? maybe she saw that i had no desire to maintain a steady companionship…that my heart didn’t know how to do it anymore. S did touch my heart, i know that one. maybe it was just poor timing. my heart can’t give any more…i think it soooo desires to feel something and to be loved, but maybe my mind isn’t wanting it right now. perhaps it is the other way around and i don’t know it. i look at so many pretty faces and so many sexy bodies, i lose sight of what i’m looking at. souls are so much prettier, and SO many women are so indignant about looking at the soul of a man and not his face or his wallet. maybe it’s more self-doubt creeping in telling me i’m not worth the time because of my looks and not the inside, but how many times have i been victim of THAT shit? i FUCKING HATE hearing that “i’m such a great friend, why can’t (insert name of boyfriend) be more like YOU.” or the awesome “you’re not my type” meaning “i am not physically attracted to you.” now there are a few exceptions to the rule, but men are a little more informed than women think about some of the “code words.” my goals aren’t too high, my standards aren’t out of reach, i’ve had women that make men drool. but am i victim of the same damn psychology? do i look at physicality too much instead of internal beauty? life is still the same, romance is alive in the hearts of those who will never be able to express it, and women will still go after the cock, figuratively speaking. nice guys FINISH last. always. niceness begets friendship and trust, not love and coupling. of course friends are better than no friends, but sometimes we just NEED more. a hug, a kiss, a tender touch….something to show us that we are real and we are wanted. we all want emotional attachment and someone to call our “own” to know that they will be there with us for strength, support, and physical contact. i hate waking up alone and realizing that i have no one to reach for in the morning. i hate walking into an empty house and having no one to talk to. i hate being company for myself. i am in utter disarray within my own mind, and i need a release. i miss being wanted. so many things to sort out in this tiny human brain, so much to organize in this blackened heart….. i yearn.