i saw my danielle tonight, and she is as beautiful as the day she left, if not moreso. you never realize how much you truly miss something until it is taken away from you and enticingly thrown back in your face. i’ve lost the desperation from my soul, i’m finding ways of being happy while being alone. i’ve said before that people only make things complicated. sometimes it is better to keep emotions to yourself and not trouble others with the notion of having to react or respond. no real reason to add to their contemplations or insecurities. so much has changed lately, work has been weird without a certain person there, and most of the “best” people have been forcefully rushed out the door. it is a cycle, as much as the world came to a halt when i was forced from toys r us, things will slowly come around again with the loss of another favorite worker. it’s hot, i’m sweaty, it’s gross in here. i’m catching a cold of some sort, my throat is itchy and i’m feeling off-center. i hate being sick, i feel off when i’m not sick, so this is worse. wanna be wanna be wanna be wanna be pretty……. thursday is bar night again, it helps to have a “night” to look forward to, kinda like i used to have my tuesday nights for going to mayberry’s back in the day. i can’t say i’ve been in there since the breakup, as that was sortof the place where my relationship with crystal was developed. ahh…long tuesday nights sitting in a truckstop talking about the most nonsensical bullshit grew into one of the most powerful relationships i’ve had. sounds like it should be ironic or something, but ironic isn’t the word that fits. am i still self-loathing? i wouldn’t say so. i am aware of the qualities others may not find appealing, i’m aware of the grotesque soul i have and all that is carried with it, and i’m ok. others may not want to get close to it, but it’s not my problem. i touch souls and eat hearts for a living. i’ve done it for so long and i’m sure i’ll continue to do it. i can rend your perceptions in a heartbeat and recreate you into a different person. your life will noticeably change in at least a miniscule way upon crossing my path. more ego speak i guess, i’m babbling now. i have to be careful with these lips, whether they are uttering words or kissing lips that shouldn’t be kissed. too much of a connection sometimes, but also more powerful than words could often express when it comes to a hidden emotion.