something is drastically missing from my life, and i’m a bit hesitant and unsure to admit it. i’ve always missed crystal, she was beautiful and we had a great time together, and at the same time she isn’t what i’m lacking. if things had been different her life would not be the way it is now. i can suspect that mine would be similar to what it is now, but alas she would never have gotten pregnant and had the child she so recently had. i’ve had the same path with danya once, as her child would not have come into being had we gotten back together at that time. those things have happened for reasons unbeknownst to us and our human comprehension, and it is therefore not my place to give any thought. i can simply try to understand and believe fully that those things were never meant to be in my life in a fashion different than what they are now. the thing i miss so terribly is having ANYone there for me at any time. i do my best to be that person in any regard for all those closest to me, but yet i don’t feel the same type of reciprocation…perhaps it is my own inability or refusal to bow down my emotional detachment. sure i find a “new flavor” quite often, and i gather the belief that maybe she could be a positive match for my eccentric tastes of women, and usually it turns out to be something that has become a constant failure. merely a few have touched upon traces of my heart and embedded themselves, most simply become a passing fancy that i failed to fully attempt to understand before grasping for them. there have been beautiful women cross in front of my eyes and nearly within my fingertips, but it always seems to be something i’m not supposed to have. some have reversed my thoughts of them while others will never reverse their thoughts of me. and to that i understand, it was simply not meant to happen. there are a billion attractive faces out there waiting, though it is sometimes hard to consciously believe it. my vanity lies in finding an attractive shell with matching inner light…something that becomes more of a challenge. my struggle will continue, i’m sure, and at least i’m ahead of the game by not having to deal with the emotional agony of a distraught relationship. i will love with the magnitude of a thousand blowing gales, and encompass another soul with the grasp the ocean has on the shores. no one has been ready for that yet. i suppose what brought it on was some stupid reminiscing inside the video store tonight…i found myself standing in the exact location of a memory….a fleeting thought of turning to a girl and questioning a choice of a movie….and of course that moment was no more and she wasn’t going to be standing there. thus, the cycle continues.