so it’s been a while since i’ve updated…i guess my pendulum is swinging the other way or something. it just seems that everyone is posting pictures and stories and blah blah…and i figured out that’s the reason people aren’t reading other journals…i’m not a hot weird chick that posts nude pics on the internet. not that something is wrong with that, i’m only making an observation. of course i love looking at the nude pics that the hot weird chicks post. i started a new job, i’m working at Dollar Thrifty Auto Group now, the famed “real job” that so MANY FUCKING PEOPLE wanted me to get…so, i finally have it. does that make me a complete “desireable” man now? i have a REAL corporate job….want me. i deal with overdue rental cars…and i’m one of about 10 people that do this particular job in the entire united states, so want me even more that i’m special and have a real job. yes, more embedded disgust of the “system” leaking out again, so many times it has been dredged into our souls that our job and finances define how “good” we are as a mate…”human race now rules the earth, but i tell you, you’re not the first…” (gwar) and i really don’t want to feel this way, but it seems that i’m outgrowing most of my friends…not by my choice of course, they always seem to slip away after a while. solitude becomes me yet again…but if i’m alone, at least i can’t hurt anyone else with my piercing words. i’m back to the point where i need something HORRIBLY fucking drastic to happen, and i can’t figure out what it might be or what i could do that would encourage the change… and even better news, the whole ordeal with the massage parlor is now coming back to bother ME. i was informed by an outside source that now someone is wanting to blackmail ME or even go as far as framing me for some crime and getting me arrested. THANK YOU, my friends, for fucking dealing with vengeance. if you fuck up my world, then i hope you’re prepared for the karma and pain that will follow. i had nothing to do with any of it, and even trying to keep the peace between it all i’ve still been dragged back into it. how wonderful. whatever. and what of everyone that seemingly had interest or allegiance? the new ones, the new faces, the new connections? you people FUCKING WONDER why i try to keep myself so isolated and apathetic…and you mock me when i feel something and then complain that i’m shutting off my emotions…that’s my cycle. that’s what i do. “i hurt myself today to see if i still feel.” (nin) pain is a reminder of being alive…if the only emotion i feel is pain, at least it will remind me to keep on going. i don’t try to hide myself in the shadows and offer the callous attitude that most men have, and of course women run the other way. fine, so be it. and to continue quoting songs, “i deserve a reward, cuz i’m the best fuck that you ever had.” (faith no more) “..i’m the best thing she’ll never have” (bowling for soup) so another one has seemingly stopped contact with me…one i thought was a decent chance or opportunity. great convo…could talk for hours with no falter in attitude, and then it stopped. am i blaming myself? fuck you. no, why should i blame myself? there wasn’t anything that i did, there was no cause of conflict, so the decision was singular to her and her alone. oh, and i think i’m done trying to be nice to most everyone, it’s fucking tiresome and redundant…no one wants nice, they want testosteronic. the next comments i start making for everyone on their journals and message boards are going to be “ya you’re fuckin hot, i’d love to fuck you in your ass.” maybe then someone will post a ”