who knows, who cares, who things, who believes, who breathes, who sighs, who shines, who withers, who stops, who runs, who fixes, who creates, who touches, who …really….matters….. where is my fucking ashtray sometimes i wish it were easier to cry, i wish it were easier to open the floodgates and empty all that sits behind my eyes waiting. but now is not the time. i’m happy, at least i believe i’m happy. or as they say in Dogma, i have a “pretty good idea” that i’m happy…at least that way i can change my idea. i can’t say i’ve had many times when i really “yearn” for something…but i think i’m in one of those times. i’m only lining myself up for disappointment though i fear…as i always do. i like to blindly bounce around thinking that things will somehow be “different this time” and they usually aren’t. at least i can be happy with my own anticipation and wealth of emotion now, i haven’ t felt this euphoric in quite some time. it’s a relief to know i still have the capability. she’s incredible. i haven’t found an adequate word to really describe it…and why the fuck do i feel this way? perhaps it’s the way she smiles, perhaps it’s the way she randomly glances at me and makes me want to blush…just knowing she’s even looking at me…it’s in my neck, an unusal chakra to be feeling things, but it’s there. it’s almost like the feeling you get when you are overwhelmed with sadness and pain, the feeling you have in your neck and throat when you want to burst into agonizing tears…only it’s the opposite…it’s a surging feeling of happiness and exquisite beauty…and i love feeling it. just remember daniel…you’re not the right one. i can’t let myself overcome my insecurity and i can’t dwell in the belief that my heart will ever be touched with a reciprocating hand…i’ll let myself be happy if only for the thoughts in my head. dreams can be cruel and unforgiving…but alas they can also be rhythmatically gorgeous, and when i’m in those dreams i don’t want to open my eyes because i don’t want that singular moment to fade from my grasp. king for a day, fool for a lifetime. i burn with feeling and sensation, i feel so elevated, i feel so ALIVE. i find my misery in shoving needles in my body or transfiguring my flesh in the name of art and expression, but so far i don’t think it can compare to what i’ve been soaking and bathing in lately…for once again it is something truly remarkable. i want to continue to feel this way, i want to continue to have someone to share my mind and heart, i want someone who listens and pays attention…they are so few and far between it pains me to think that my time may flee and drip through my fingers as quickly as it was found. i desperately want to stare into those eyes and see all that lies in that fragile soul…i want to see all those things that frighten me the most, i want to see that everything i’m thinking is explicitly valid and waiting to look directly back at me… i feel the terror of a hand fumbling for another in the dark, the shiver of touching a face under a full moon in a second of intense passion previously unfelt, the ultimate power of two full eyes staring back into my own soul and knowing exactly what i’m thinking and feeling…i want it to be real. i want it to be honest. i want it to be, simply because it IS. i want comfort, unharmed love, unthinkable normalcy…i want a hand to touch my face and tell me “i feel it too.” and like the cartoon strip a friend once gave me, i feel like i’m asking for “a pet unicorn to give me a magical ride all the way to candyland” because i fear it may never happen…so in the meantime i will sit and wait, i will sit and wonder, i will sit and imagine that it will happen…and then when it does, i’ll understand why i’ve been so damaged in the past. if not for the pain beyond recognition, i would never have exalted myself to the level i currently have…and i would never truly know what i’m waiting to find… i’m right in front of you, i only need you to SEE me for what i am. close your eyes and you’ll see my face…open them and i’ll be standing there waiting…