i woke up with a giant sneeze….its gross but at least i caught it with my hand and didnt spray it all over my bed. my head is so stuffy right now, i feel like fucking crying i feel so sick…i cant just lie in bed tho, i need to get up and go to work….even though i’m awake NOW…..this is too early… i go to see icp on monday yay….my holly went with me. i feel bad, i dont talk to her or hang out with her as much as i used to, i get really bad about making the effort to see people. i know i should, and i know i want to…i guess too many things just come up in the meantime… oh, not only icp, but esham, abk, and mack 10. “bow down to a nigga thats greata than you.” mack 10 kicked ass. ahh…and of course the OTHER situation. well, not much to say about it. she made a few observations about what i wrote, she realized her horoscope said nearly the same thing as MY words….i dunno. i’m not going to believe that she’s thinking about it. as was said….i lack shoulders…no great physical body…and i have a nose ring….i cant step outside of my league. so many times when i see her, like today when we were in the bookstore…as she smiles and laughs or does something insignificant…i just want to put one hand on her shoulder and stop her and have her look at me…and then just hug her and hold her tightly….just to feel something, to feel like she isn’t going away or that she can feel the same way…. no no….i’m the liability and the complication….i’ve been responsible for too much in peoples’ lives already…i dont need to do this again…i dont even know if my karma has been paid out, i’ve had some painful times, so i think its time that the good starts happening again. i know you can feel me, i can watch your heart and your eyes hesitate when we’re close to each other… maybe its the nyquil talking, or the hysteria of being sick…*sigh* i thought my world was empty of finding people like HER. i can deal with rejection or dislike from one of those regular things, but when it comes from one of THESE…i dont like it…she has radiance and beauty that she doesn’t understand. i’ll hold her in my dreams at least, thats all i can do.