there has always been a pattern in my life, i do these things to myself…karma was waiting to stab me on what i had done, but i acted like i didnt fucking care…and now it’s just coming back at me. its what i get for fucking with people’s lives i suppose. i’ve been crying all weekend, and i hate this feeling…my stomach is in my fucking neck, i can’t get my mind off what was said and how much it hurts for things to be so abrupt…i’m not that bad of a person… tears well in my heart, my soul feels like it has had part of it taken away again…i’ve known feelings like this, and i’d hoped it wouldn’t happen, or maybe i thought i’d shielded myself enough from this to stop my pain…but i always let it find me, always in the most unlikely of candidates. you’re beautiful to me in so many ways, i wish i could continue to make you feel the way i do…special in a way that no one has done before… i tried to hide all the nice things i had written about you in some vain hope that it would make my pain stop and cause you to feel some type of misgiving about things, but i don’t think it did, and it only made me feel that i wasn’t being true to my heart. there was a time when i had more fucking control of my feelings and how much i’d allow someone to touch them…somehow i lost it when i stared in your eyes. ive looked back at all those things that we’ve said back and forth…some of it is funny, some is dangerous…some is even sentimental… i still can’t swallow your words today…when you said “it never hurts to try.” i guess that’s all i ever asked. i have too many things to say right now and i don’t want to do it, i want to lash out and hurt people…i want to be rude…i want to cause other people pain… i will say that i saw holly today in the mall and was totally snubbed by her…she walked by and said hello and just kept walking…never broke stride to stop and talk to us….guess i’m on her top 10 hate list now?