ok, so i think about you regularly during the day, then you’re usually the last thing i think of when i go to sleep, we talk in my dreams, and then not only do i think of you when i wake up, but this morning…i reached over to the other side of my bed thinking you would be there. i wanted to touch your face and know that you were ok, that you were next to me keeping me safe while i was sleeping… gawd what am i saying. you still fascinate and intrigue me in ways i don’t understand, i never expected this from you. i guess in the same vein, you didn’t expect it from me either…and i know that most of you would never admit that even to yourself. i think it’s time i slowly start letting go though, you’re usually right about things, and i know it’s something you want and something you need to happen…i don’t like hearing that others think its only because of how i feel, i don’t want to think that your reactions and emotions are simply the result of me feeling something…that doesn’t seem fair to you. perhaps i need to start being indifferent… all i know is that i love how i feel right now, i love how i feel about her…and yet so much of me wants to hesitate because i’m probably keeping her from exploring and being herself…i’ve confused her life, she’s said that to me, and i don’t want to continue to complex the situation… i really need fucking guidance, i need assurance, i need direction…i need something to show me what i am meant to do right now…someone tell me what i should feel, tell me to stop being a fucking stupid romantic about everything…all i do is act cute now, all i do is act giddy and in love…who the fuck would want a guy acting like this….i can see why you pull away and hesitate so much…. i dreamt she came with me to my parents house, but somehow it was late at night and both of us were drunk, and she got really embarrassed and just wanted to leave… that and at some point we were in a room with one of her friends somewhere and started messing around in front of her friend, then i had to go clean up… ——————————————- i hoped that i would wake up and see your face next to me last night… every noise i heard i thought it might be you… i’d hear something and reach over…and no one was there, just my cat. i couldn’t feel your touch, i couldn’t see your face… all i had was the thought of you with me, the scent of you remaining. i didn’t get to see your face when i woke up, but at least i got to hear your voice instead. ———————————— “you guys look really cute together” i know we do. everyone thinks that now, everyone says that now. you make me feel complete, you make me feel like i belong. i look at you and i see stability, comfort, love, normality…things that have been so hard for me to find lately. i really didn’t plan on seeing these things in anyone…not again. i often wonder if i even saw them in the previous people, i’m sure i did for a while. you’re worth my time…i’m still right under your nose. ———————————– i have a feeling things are slowly moving toward a positive conclusion, though i think it may take quite a bit of time for it to happen. i’m patient and enduring, though i’m not being asked to wait, and even being something i desperately want, i don’t know if i could wait forever. i can give it some time, no one has captured my heart and attention in the ways that she has, so i suppose it’s a double edge. sure, i’m not waiting on her to come around, but by default since i have no other interests, i find myself waiting. a vicious back and forth i suppose. things have become intensely passionate and emotional between us, a few things have been admitted by her about her feelings at last, so at least i know things aren’t as one-sided as i was starting to believe. she is so beautiful, so radiant, so amazing…i want her for my own but now is not the time to hold her in my grasp…i can’t try to contain her, i have to let her find her way to me this time. she knows how i feel, and i know how she feels… you laugh and sigh at my comments about our time together…i know you try (as do i) so desperately to cleave yourself from me and it’s difficult and never seems to work…you plan on having a 30 minute phone call with me and it always ends up being three times as long…and it’s always admitted at the end of the night, ” i wasn’t going to stay on the phone this long with you….” the same as when we see each other and hang out…”leave by 10:30….” maybe by 10:30 in the morning. i know you don’t like the feelings of attachment and guilt and expectation you have right now, and i’m doing my best to keep you from feeling that…i don’t want or need you to feel those things. i really will try to help keep you away from me as much as i can, i know you want to spend time alone and to yourself and i don’t help you do it…i’ll entertain myself and stay busy so maybe you won’t feel like you need to spend time with me because i’m home alone or have nothing to do. perhaps i’ll exaggerate and pretend i do have things to do so you can stay away more often…but it’s going to hurt…ever so slightly…i like you being around….i crave your presence, i crave you being near me….i adore watching you smile as you stare back into my eyes…*sigh….* your independence is more important right now than my longing for your companionship. don’t be afraid of my feelings, don’t be afraid that you will screw something up, don’t be afraid that you’ll make a mistake and push me away…your friendship is as valuable to me as mine to you, and i don’t want it damaged either…but don’t worry yourself over it, don’t stress yourself to the point of getting sick…i’m not worth that. i’m offering something that will be unconditional, you mustn’t worry so much about me being delicate…i won’t begrudge you, i won’t despise you…love keeps no record of wrong. i won’t fold my wings back just yet, i’ll keep them out for you as long as you continue to be exactly who you are, the creature that i love best. —————————————