Monday, June 17th, 2002 6:29 pm fuck you. So here I sit, a pale comparison to all the beautiful things that now define your existence. All the things you so adamantly desired while with me are now the things that feverishly divide yourself from me. Is it status? Is it wealth? That isn’t for me to answer. Of course the things you say are hurtful, but is it anything more hurtful than the things you have previously done? Probably not, I’m sure. The immaculate entertainment center, the oh-so-decorative couch, the underappreciated dining room set?all things which make one so happy? I wish I would have known that mere material goods were the key to one’s happiness, I would have started collecting them much sooner. But alas, I can’t compare, I only have decrepit old furniture that appears meager and lacking?perhaps someday I shall live as extravagant as you feel you are. And what shall I say to my new adversary? Am I as clean? Do I do dishes? Do I take out trash? Well, if I was simply trying to gain your favor so that I may know your most inner secrets, I would be doing all the things that you would perceive as noble. Yes dear, let me take out those boxes. Let me cook for you. Let me clean up after myself and while I’m at it, I’ll clean up after you, too. And now dear, after I have done all these things, perhaps now you will see me as a gentleman and offer me your body, the thing I so desire, and the root for all my actions. Alas, I am 20 years old, what else must I think of? Sexual expression is my only course of action, and it brings me pleasure that you fail to see my intentions. It grieves me that you could even assume that I am not capable of all these things. The more words you speak to me the less I believe you had any true intention of keeping our relationship. If it were as frail as you make it appear, why had you continued to lie to me? You so desperately sought escape from our sanctum that you failed to recognize what kept you there in the first place. To do the things you have done as of late takes a unique individual, a unique individual who shows less emotion and reaction than I ever dreamed possible. I have shut myself off to so many notions and actions in the past that I wouldn’t think twice about shutting off my feelings, but yet, the coldness you have acquired dwarfs my lack of emotion ten-fold. Was I the Vulcan in this relationship? Nay, I now can say it was you. I hope you truly replace all those things I vainly offer you. I would sacrifice everything that I own to have that second chance you are so indifferent about offering. And why won’t I have that chance? Because you are too afraid to open your eyes and see the truth of my soul I will never have that chance. I cook. I clean. I do dishes. I do laundry. But?oh, lest I forget?I simply work in retail. I don’t have the prestigious job that I COULD have if I were someone else?and especially in comparison for someone younger than I. Well, what else can I offer? Love isn’t enough for you, and neither is compassion nor caring. I shouldn’t rehash what I have said so many times already, so I leave those things in your thoughts to remember. Unconditional love is hardly something to find easily. I never gave myself to anyone as freely and openly as you. It is too bad you can’t respect or realize that. I often forget we have nothing in common. You listen to music, and I listen to music. Oh, but we don’t listen to the same kind of music, so it becomes an issue, I so easily forget. Do all my friends listen to the music I listen to? No. I value my friends because of their individuality, how could I stand to be around someone exactly like me? Wouldn’t the world be a bit menial and boring if everyone had exactly the same taste? Not for you, I suppose, as that is what you desire. We had nothing in common, but yet you had no trouble in acquiring half of my DVD collection without a second thought. All the movies I had picked out myself, all the movies I had bought?but no, we have nothing in common. Or was that simply another petty act to get what was rightfully yours? Another piece of advice from someone to have all that you deserved? I won that Playstation 2 system, and I won it for a reason. Was it difficult for you to take it? No, you seemed not to hesitate for a second. I had spent the money from my overtime at work to buy most of the things I bought during Christmas, but that wasn’t a concern of yours. It was still “our” money to you, and all those things I worked so hard for were as rightfully yours as mine. I think I am growing tired of hearing all of your ridiculous excuses for the ruin of our relationship. It isn’t hard to step back and look at it from your perspective. You achieved all those things you so stubbornly wished to achieve, and I was left as simple as the day I met you. You were a bad person, Daniel, you never let me reach for my dreams. You were a controlling person, Daniel, you never let me buy all the things I wanted. You were a horrible person, Daniel, you never gave me all the attention and affection I so desired. It is much easier to allow yourself to believe someone else is at fault for all those things that went astray, but you won’t stop and look yourself in the eye and approach those same issues. I at least tried to contain and solve the conflict, and all I saw was you walking away from it. And what about that fateful night you left me alone and wished for me to call? I don’t believe you. You called your new interest that night, and had spoken with him several times earlier, and you had already made up your mind. Daniel was to disappear, at whatever cost and whatever means. Sorry to hurt you Daniel, but you have become obsolete and replaced by the new model. Should I thank you for all the things you have done, Daniel? How you let me drive your car while I found a job? How your family helped pay to fix my old car, bought me clothes, took me job hunting, and treated me like a daughter? It would be much easier to forget all those things for now, I stepped over you and took all that I could, and now I must move past all the help you offered and continue with things my way. But don’t forget, I do CARE about you Daniel, I just simply can’t be in love with you anymore because I have someone who can make me believe all those things I desired from you. I know you tell me that you are capable of all those things, and I do believe you, but I am simply not willing to take that risk to join you in everlasting happiness, I only wish my life to be full of temporal joy. What about the letter? You mean the letter you spent so many hours on that I disrespectfully leave in the back of my car? Yes, I will read it. Yes, I will read it soon. Yes, I will tell you that I will read it only to please you, but I have no intention of reading it at all, because I am afraid of what your words might do to me. I can’t have any interference in my relationship with my temporal happiness, you might upset the balance I have created. And again, all those things you have said on the phone are surely the same thing inside that letter, and as much as I enjoy hearing you profess your undying and unending love for everything I am, it is much easier to phase you out on the phone than it would be to face those powerful words and emotions you have laid on paper. I am frightened of your presence, Daniel, there is something so powerful in your soul that it makes me tremble while I am around you, but it can be ignored if I simply speak with you on the phone. I know I stare so longingly into your eyes, and I never hesitate when I wrap my arms around you, but that is only when I am in your presence. On the phone you disappear and become a toy for me to play with at my leisure. You know that you will be sitting at home waiting for me while I am playing teenager right now, so why should I attempt to please you in any way? I have done the most horrible things to you already, and will continue to do them, and you won’t change your opinion of me. What do I have to lose? All the words I have said, all the feelings I have portrayed, all the thoughts I have expressed?they have all been ignored. It is such a shame that you won’t see with your true eyes what I am offering you, and the impact of such a thing. Alas, I suppose I must release you from my heart, knowing that you must walk on your own feet with no help from others, you must learn your from your own mistakes, you must see this thing called life with your own two eyes, as all of us have done before. So live, be the person you were before you met me, be the person you so despised and wished you hadn’t been, and realize we all return to those things we know best.