Saturday, July 13th, 2002 4:00 pm and why? why do i have this sentiment…why do i feel so depressed…i’ve been losing friends left and right, i’ve been losing touch with feeling, i’ve allowed myself to hurt, i’ve allowed myself to be upset….i’ve done so well the past few months, and now i’m having that resurgence of loneliness….i would be lying to say i don’t long for companionship, but i’m beginning to have those selfish feelings of “i am destined to be alone” again…i have felt that my entire life, through every relationship, through every course of love…i surround myself with friends, i force myself to believe that i am much more than i really am….when in fact, i am just a man. i am just an individual, the same as everyone else…am i relapsing? probably…i know i have more to offer than anyone, i know that i am capable of the deepest love a human could receive…i know i am capable of compassion only written of in fairy tales…why must i plague myself with false hope and unreasonable determination to find that one single person that will allow me to make them happy? i’ve tried in the past….should i blame myself for the failure of all my relationships? should i feel responsible for the hurting i have caused others by my simple touch of grace? i’ve shined on so many people in my life, i’ve touched them with a spirit of how things COULD be, and yet they always end up so alone and cold…my fears run deep of being alone, my solitude gives me peace, but at the same time gives me horrible realization of having no one to share what is in my soul…why, dear Aquarius, must we be so difficult to penetrate? why must we be so forgiving and humanitarian? i offer my spirit to those in need, i offer my ear, i offer my life…i’ve helped so many people through rough times in existence, and i have been repaid with friendship and caring…and then i see those feelings wasted on those who never deserve it…one can easily grow weary of hearing the words “you are such a good person, you will make someone so fucking happy one day, you would make such a wonderful husband and companion.” is it true? if those people recognize it, why am i the one that is pushed away only for them to choose someone less appropriate? or is it that i’m truly not as great as they wish me to believe? i don’t know what the fuck i’m saying, please ignore this, i am simply flipping the switch and allowing the self-loathing to flow once more, those are pure thoughts, and will soon slip away. i am the angel, and i’m not ripping my wings…i am here to cause happiness and comfort…perhaps my goal is to ultimately deal with my own pain and aloneness, i’m here to give and give and give with no need for repayment. i love, i give, i care, i do not wish to have credit for the things that i do. my soul will burn love and bear no hatred for another soul, hearts bear no regret. all of you who love me, i am your friend, that is all i can give. i lived through yesterday’s robbery, i came out alive, and i am witness to the sanctity of life, i was given forewarning of the events that took place, i felt it in my heart, and something kept me out of harm’s way…my love must still be waiting, hopefully…and dreaming of the same things i am, staring at the same moon, staring at the same stars….their heart yearning for the feelings that i am so willing to offer. patience, the time will come for another to allow me in, as complex a creature as i am, there is someone that will one day understand the true meaning of my heart, and that person will become the bearer of truest bliss. my heart is still open and waiting for that day to come, you simply have to look into my eyes…