i have my moment of doubt and pain… i question if i made the right decision, i question if i should have done and said the things i did…it hurts me so fucking much to watch you so far away… i look at my IM list and see your name just taunting me…all i have to do is click and i can say so many things to you…but then i keep wondering if it realy matters… you dont fucking understand how much it hurt me to do thosethings, how much it hurts me to push you out of myt life….i want you in it so badly it makes me sick to my stomach…i’ve literally been sick all day all becase of you…i want to hear your voice, i want to see your eyes and watch you smile…it burns me so badly to know that you’re so close and so fucking far away at the same time….just to touch your face, to touch your hands….you infected my soul and climbed inside my head…which is why you got in my pants, otherwise i’d never have let you near…. you did something remarkable and then you took it away…i wish i didnt feel so fucking insignificant right now, especially after all the things i did and knowing that they were “firsts” for you and that you truly cherished all of it…that only makes it harder to swallow….all that you’re willing to give up, but i guess that means i’m not as complete as i want to be…. i miss the mere thought of you coming over while i’m sleeping, calling me in the mornign to make sure i’m awake…the moment of looking forward to you typing “hello good morning” to me every day…all those fucking little trivial things drive me mad knowing that things are so drastically different…and i don’t know if it was my actions or yours…which one of us hurt who? i badly wish to see your face once more when i open my eyes, not when i close them, i want to know you’re there holding me in my time of failing…to know y ou’re there if i wake up screaming from those black forces i only see when i travel in my sleep…you kept me so calm and so serene… it pains me to look at you over the chasm of sorrow that we have created between us…