this hurts so much both ways i wish i really knew what the answer was…maybe if i knew that it bothers you as much as it does me i would feel better about it, but i doubt that would matter…i don’t think i can do it, i can already see myself breaking down… i talked to J earlier and she explained a lot of things from her perspective…that of course i shouldn’t have driven by that night, even if it was because i was worried because you weren’t my “gf” and that means i don’t have the right…even if i was your bf that doesn’t change things…i hated doing it but i needed some sort of peace and understanding… it seems i probably sealed my own fate with a lot of my actions, with a lot of the things i did, with a lot of my behavior and attitude…and i can’t hope to change those things now. it makes it really tough just to know that you’re only 3 floors above me and yet we feel miles apart. i want to hear your voice, i want to see your face…i want to believe all of it when people keep saying that you DO care about me…i don’t understand why i don’t. i guess probably because i feel so hurt and demolished right now, i keep hearing the same things over and over, and so much of it unfortunately reminds me of all those things that the she-hag would say… i was going to go see a sneak preview of The Boogeyman last night with a friend, and i just kept thinking that i should be seeing it with YOU, that scary movies are something WE liked…and you told me that night when we parted how you’d miss that as well…and we could have had such a good time at the mardi gras party this weekend and then i’d see you on sunday as always, and it’s just going to hurt to know that it isn’t going to happen… the other thing is simply that all these people keep saying things like “how she felt about you” and you never even told me…i had no idea you had the feelings you did, i didn’t even know you were considering it…i suppose i just hate hearing “yes, things were there, we would have been great together…but it is gone now.” maybe i should have kept more things to myself… i hope you aren’t hurting as much as i am right now