this is the safest place to post most of my thoughts and observations about things because i can at least have them on paper in front of me so they don’t seem so jaded coming from my own lips. so many things about how i act and react in situations, and so many times i was simply compared to other people. what was it that was said? oh, “he” would do/say that, so you MUST be reacting the same way as him. how fair is that? it isn’t right to hold me to a standard that someone else has set for you. i never, until now, held a comparison for you to someone else based on how you were acting. our communication was so wonderful and so open…and yet when these things came up they were never discussed. and you know, our biggest issue was simply that we had no boundaries. neither of us had lines to never cross, areas to stay within…nothing about the “relationship” we had was ever defined, and that made things that much more difficult to control. neither of us had restrictions on our actions…you would get pissed if i got jealous, then you would say that we weren’t together. you tell me i acted too “clingy” when we went out, even when you went WITH me…and yet you went home with ME and slept in my bed. how is that for a boundary? you wanted me and my attention all to yourself as soon as we were away from the crowds, but once in public you wanted to pretend i didn’t exist. again, how selfish is it now to hold me to those limitations when none were ever set? had you admitted that you wanted to be with ME and have a relationship…things would have been different. small words like “committment” make things drastically change. sure, you said from the beginning you didn’t want a relationship, but you kept one. you had one with me, you admitted it yourself…”we were never together but we might as well have been, that’s how we acted.” well, quit changing the words around. one second i’m told it was NOTHING, and then i’m told things like that. you didn’t sleep in my bed because it made ME happy and you know it. you slept there because you wanted to be there. moreso you wanted to be there with ME. I think both of us expected that we would be spending the weekends together or spending certain nights together, and then when one of us had something else planned it really seemed bothersome. At least I know when you had something to do and I didn’t know about it I got my feelings hurt. Both of us had expectations on the other and neither of us admitted to them. Of course, again, this would only piss you off and push you further because I was “assuming” we were hanging out…finding more reason to compare me to so many others. A simple boundary that was never created but that you felt I crossed so many times. You keep telling me that it’s nothing to do with my “look” but I know that has everything to do with it. things always come straight back to that issue and how you want your little mold of how things are supposed to be so you don’t get embarrassed when you go out in public. You can’t take me to visit family and you can’t take me to your favorite places because someone might STARE at me…wooohoooo….yeah let me tell you, it really hurts my feelings when people stare. You think I’m not used to that? Like I told you, I have my issues with your appearance at times, it was never with your clothes though. And with me, I was already willing to look past all of that because my feelings were stronger in my heart than in my eyes. I found you beautiful for what you are, not what you look like. I guess that’s my fault. I’ll stick to my skinny blonde chicks that you always tell me I like so much. Im losing track of thought now…but all I know is that we BOTH had high expectations on the other and neither of us ever expressed what those expectations and limitations truly were. If both of us hadn’t been so overzealous things may have not escalated to the degree they have. You don’t have to pretend that everything never happened. You can admit that something was there, it won’t demean your personality or anything.