this is from august of 2002, and i should have done what i said i would. —– 6:40 pm simplicity and how complex it truly isn’t….. so it ends here. i’m no longer speaking of bullshit that is meaningless, i’m no longer wasting my time pouring out all the drops of incredulity from my brain, i’m no longer confining myself to having emotion. this is where i end my attempts to be everything that a human isn’t, this is the part where i decline back to the role that men are more fit to be in, this is where i fold my wings back inside my jacket to be released only when someone is deserving. it seems my efforts are still in vain, so this is where they become nonexistent. she-hag, i apologize for taking up so much of your time in those months you wished to shred me from your memory. perhaps another time and another place and you’ll take notice of what you missed. and to the others, i’ve done my part. i’ve shown my soul, i’ve shown my world, i’ve shown my heart. i’ve shown all that i hold inside this body and have only continued to stay empty and so shut off from the rest of you. so, less by choice and more by suggestion, this is where i return to my life of solitude and coldness. i am arrogant, i am condescending, i am pompous, i am egotistical. but what i am not is a lacking person. if those that see my soul don’t wish to become part of it, then i shall protect myself from them once more by shutting off to those who won’t offer respect for it. i guess this should be the part where i tell all my friends “yeah, you were right, i was acting pretty foolish.” of course i have the right to act however i please, and if you need the satisfaction of knowing that i humbled myself to your opinions, then here you go. you were right. you win, i lose. i took the risk once again, and have still failed. i feel sorry for some of you. those of you that have seen inside my eyes have all stepped away and distanced yourselves, and i don’t know why….be it fear, misunderstanding, anger, pain….emotions that are all so familiar to me. well, no longer shall i be taken for granted, no longer shall i be made the fool, no longer shall i play patsy for all those people who wish to simply have me around for convenience. i’m sorry, my heart desires more than that, my heart desires something tangible and real, something i can believe in, something i can trust. we ALL return to that which we know best. every single one of us. return to your ex-boyfriends, your capricious living, your lost partners, your pleasures, your vices…your logic and your rationality. return to that which gives you temporal pleasure, and that which can make you smile for the day….think not about tomorrow, consider only the moment if that is the happiness that we seek. i have become unavailable to offer anymore emotion. i’ve lost the ability, i’ve lost the desire. i now sit and wait for someone deserving of the power in my spirit, someone who won’t throw it in my face or believe that i am even ABLE to be compared to a human…i feel sorry for you. i was, i am, i will be the best thing to cross your path, and i shall make no regrets. close your eyes and i’ll vanish, open them and i’ll be staring into your soul. blessed be.