4:47 am life changing? so, an event took place today…my store was robbed at gun point. luckily no one was hurt in any way, although probably emotionally scarred. i fortunately was not in direct contact with the situation, but i caught the aftermath. it kind of makes ya think, ya know? i walked in to the office to find my manager hand cuffed to the safe, register tills strewn all over the place, all the money gone…and her screaming at me to call the police…for an instant i didn’t feel real, i felt like i was witnessing something happening to someone else in another time….i was the one to make the call, i had to call 911….i’ve never felt this way before. i never knew what it would be like or how i would react to doing such a thing…it really takes alot out of a person to have to report a serious crime….the cops show up in full force, people start asking questions….things just were not normal….. i am more bothered by this than i could let on…my life changed with that moment….it could have been me, it could have been anyone else. i was the only person in that store that had a key to get in the room where the manager was, and i could have walked in and he could have turned on me….i could have been shot and killed. i could be gone right now, i could be dead…i could be erased from life. and what of all the things i’ve never said? are there things in my life that are incomplete? i had the notion of going over there for some reason, perhaps i was supposed to? did i cheat death today? did i receive a second chance? and if so, what for? am i here for a reason? do i have a purpose? do i have a goal? why the fuck have i not figured this out yet….there are so many emotions i haven’t expressed to people…i haven’t poured my heart to those who need to hear…i haven’t given the feelings i’ve needed to let out….is this my chance? or what if i’m being over analytical, perhaps i’m looking only at the bad side….perhaps i should realize that i AM ok, that i’m NOT injured…should i appreciate it? either way, life feels more important, love feels overpowering, and yet my heart and spirit are pouring out bitterness and hurt…the expression of feeling and sentiment are not exhuding from me, only negativity….i’m bringing down my crowd of friends tonight, i’m making them feel like i don’t want them around, when all i want now is to be surrounded by people and love…i don’t wish to be alone…today could have left me as alone as it gets, i could be gone, i could have had everything taken away from me. several people called to check on me, several people wanted to know that things were ok…i do appreciate that, much more than i let on, i wanted to scream, i wanted to cry, i wanted to blame someone or something….we all wanted to, and what is the true answer? i thought of my friends…i thought of my parents, my family, i thought of holly, i thought of crystal, i thought of danya, i thought of my friends…which i guess only leads to self-loathing and wondering “who would really give a fuck” and what the impact truly would be…if there was one chance to tell someone “i love you” who would you tell? would it be your family? would it be your friends? would it be that one special person in your life that you never said those words to? so many choices and no time to act… so much more to say, so little words for it…to all of you, i love you, i truly do. all of you are in my heart and all of you are in my soul. don’t let me out, and don’t forget that i care…