so i went out with Mystery for a while on friday, she’s having the same problems as always, things suck and her bf sucks…but she’s never going to do anything about it. i can’t see why people enjoy living in such torment. i have watched so many of them do it lately… i went to visit ays on friday as well, and met her friend. there was a lot of feeling in that room, i could tell it was something that i needed to see. went through the usual greetings and such, seemed obvious that i was “noticed” pretty quickly. it is nice to have those things realized by people, especially after my heart has been reduced to so little lately. we chatted a bit, caught up with my background and such, got some beer and sat down to play. her friend read my cards…and it has taken me a few days to even make sense of what i want to say about it. so many things were so pure, i could feel my body surging as we read them…and the answers were painstakingly insightful. the most obvious was a card full of bright fire…i can’t even remember the suit of the card…all i remember is just the image…so bright, so burning, so red…it consumes me. i’ve touched the flames and now i can’t erase it from my mind. there was a fucking reason i found Shallow Crush, and now i’m even more confused about it. she doesn’t even recognize that i exist anymore, and yet she has such a hold on me and i’m so engulfed by her fire. the other woman was the one in the woods…so pure of heart and yet so well protected by a nest of thorns…danger both ways…i keep playing with fire and keep burning myself…and i keep myself hurting when reaching for the pure of heart…how do i win. the fire was the only thing eating my mind, the thing i can’t escape and can’t remove. flames are so difficult to extinguish, especially those proving to be searingly powerful from another creature. if only she would recognize those things. and then the talk of me being a “mirror” for so many people…they see those things that they don’t want to see…they look at me and see a reflection of what they so desire to attain and be like…free and pure…and it scares the fuck out of them…and again it so relates to everything around me that has happened..so many allow themselves to get SO close, only to back off when they’ve seen too much…i gave fair warnign that i’m in my aquarian time, and things would not be the same for me right now…and those warnings were not noticed. things get strange for me around my bday…they always do and always have. everyone gets scared, everyone gets frightened…people don’t like me looking inside their soul and essence and knowing what they are…and Shallow Crush was no exception…my eyes frightened her more than she will admit. only recently has She Hag made hints at recognizing what i truly am and the things that were mistaken at the time. and of course ays read my turkish coffee after we drank, and so much of it again led back to one fucking thing…the creature i want to be so far away from. the full moon…the new moon…the dragon…my essence is too strong for people to handle and everyone wants to keep their guard up and not let themselves believe they can be in love with something like me…they want what they know best, they want what society wants them to have, they want something they can take in public and not feel eyes upon them…they won’t step from their box and try something new for fear of being laughed at…i told her once before, her world is just as frightening to me as mine is to her…Shallow Crush, maybe it’s better for YOU to dance with the devil you know, rather than the one you don’t. i want to extinguish your fire and your shine, you burn my eyes and you shadow my soul in your radiance. if only you understood what my heart holds for you, and if only you believed my words about seeing it that first moment i laid eyes on you. all i’ve dreamt of all weekend is the fire i’ve played with, the fire i’ve touched, the fire i’ve held…the burning souls that have been in my life, i’ve lived a dream of being with them and how things would be, and i haven’t had one with Shallow yet…i’m sure it’s coming, it’s only a matter of time, and then my heart will continue to hurt when i see the visions of things happening in such a different way. i am even more burdened and more confused now, i wanted clarity and have only seen more entanglement in pain before i will understand things….