well…it’s been a while again. i tried thursday night, but it’s too negative. there’s such a cloud over everything, it is oppressive and overbearing, i’m not really sure what to make of it, but it isn’t my place to need to understand what it is. i recognize that it’s there, and i’m sure others won’t. i’ve always noticed it, i had the same feeling and felt the same cloud over it even before things had changed. storm clouds always hover, they always smother what they need, they always shadow the things we don’t always see in our faces. i still had that sickening muck feeling in my chest too, i don’t think it’s a conditioned response, it isn’t like i want to have that pit in my stomach, i want it to be empty. i want my face to be empty and nondescript and i want my eyes to stare blankly into the darkness. i want to know what it is that stops me, the thing that makes me contemplate and hesitate. why has my hatred not come full circle? every part of my mind understands my disposition but my body won’t follow with the proper reaction. i think that is the part that scares me. nay, i FEEL that is the part that scares me. it doesn’t make any fucking sense. maybe it’s the moon… i spent most of the weekend at the bar drinking, had a good time, saw a lot of people i knew including a few girls i hadn’t seen in a while. we tried out Tabu, and that place sucks ballz. there were like 5 girls working there, and like one of them was average. nothing exciting, nothing incredible…within two minutes of walking in the door i had girls sitting on my lap wanting to play with my hair and my piercings. go figure. OH BUT DANIEL, THEY ARE SO DISGUSTING! seems its one extreme or the other. love it or hate it. saw the mardi gras girls at the depot too. and a handful of younger people i went to school with. its arrogant but it makes me feel so freakin strange to hear people talk about me like i’m someone famous. i’m standing there hearing “dude i think that’s daniel self! omg it IS! it’s HIM!” maybe i should start giving photos and signing autographs or something. i’ve been coming to the realization (again) after deliberation…i don’t want to believe how true it is, but actions as of late only tell me that things hardly change with women. they always want to go back to what they know best. it’s really hard for someone to step outside of their box and to allow themselves to experience something that sits outside of their understanding. my ex recently admitted that (in a previous post, i put up the email) she was hounded about how i “wasn’t her type” and that her friends and i guess family couldn’t “see her with me” and such. of course i have to expect those things, i ask for it with the way i choose to look, but seriously, are things like that really THAT fucking important? there’s a limit to pissing off family, but friends really are irrelevant with those opinions. i’ve had friends tell me after the fact with girls that they may have found them unattractive, rude, bad personality or whatever, but they never told me stuff about how i’d be better with someone that was my type, or someone that “looks” better superficially. even my parents have told me they despised a couple of the girls i dated, but they never said anything simply because i was happy with the situation. why do we base our opinions so much on people telling us that two people don’t belong together? i think next time i’m gonna start telling people to just fuck off. i have a social “type” i suppose people tell me i should date…though that’s not generally what appeals to me. i’ve gone beyond my “type” with a lot of people just to give them a chance, especially when i know most of them are just self-rightous superficial bitches, but everyone at least deserves an equal chance. hmm…i’m doing the tangent thing. i went and shot skeet with my dad again on easter, i guess i can hold my own for being the second time to ever fire a rifle. i’d say i was close to 50% on them. i have a hard time shooting because my left eye is so bad, i’m supposed to use both eyes but i have to close my left and use my right to keep my aim. now i’m babbling…i’ve lost some of the meaning of what i want to say…..so, fuck off.