i can’t fucking sleep…i’m restless…i’m flighty…i’m anxious…what are you doing? all of you stay the fuck out of my head and out of my thoughts, i just want to go to sleep… i’m tossing and turning, i can’t keep my eyes closed…so many images running in my head, so many faces keep appearing, so many scenarios are playing out in my thoughts…things maybe i should have done differently, things that i should have seen before they happened, things that i knew were just not right….of course i can’t regret them, what’s the point? i can’t change them, why consider the alternatives? i can’t fix any of it, and i don’t need to fix anything…i’m not the one that’s fucking broken…i am THIS, i am what i am, and those people don’t like it…why should i give a shit what anyone thinks of me? they’re all irrelevant…they’re all pointless to my continued existence…especially the ones that have so recently pricked my loving heart….all i gave you was a chance to be happy, all i gave you was one simple moment to smile and be someone, all i gave you was a piece of my life…and it was all thrown back in my face. all of you have done the same….it’s never THIS, it’s always THAT. take your fucking pretty american hero block shouldered jocks…i don’t want to be one anyway. take your boys that you can take home to mommy and daddy and not be embarrassed of how they dress. take your immature attractions that drive fast cars and pretend that it makes a bit of difference in the real world how much torque your boyfriend’s engine really has…keep playing the always-losing game of superficiality…all of you. oh…and please…just remember…nothing. don’t remember any of it, don’t pretend that any of it happened…forget all the kind words i’ve said to any of you…forget the kind words i’ve written for you….forget the loving sentiments i’ve written about you…all of you, all of it. if you want to be worth my time, fucking be worth my time, quit pussyfooting around like i’m something so sub-par to what you think the world wants you to have in your life. quit reading magazines that tell you the key to a happy relationship is someone that has hair less than an inch long and wears name brand cologne to match their brand name jeans…ask yourself if all those material things make one happy…does it keep you warm at night? does the shallowness we feel for others stare us in the eyes and make us understand the love we feel? maybe for some of you it truly does….and i don’t want to be near a fucking desperate, confused, lost fucking soul that doesn’t know the difference. if you cried for me yesterday…would your tears matter today? what about tomorrow? apparently not…i’ve watched so many of you cry, so many of you hurt…and you’ve all come to me to take a part of my heart with you so that you can have an example…someone “just like you” but never “you.” be that as it may, you’re better off going back to your comfort zones and the things that you know best. i’m glad that all of you replace your bad past experiences with someone so alike to the things you hated. i’m glad to see that you replace all the activities you miss having with that old someone with a simple new face…and trust me, i wouldn’t want to be a fucking stand-in, no pussy is worth that. i wouldn’t want to be the simple place-holder to fulfill all those activities that you’ve done with your ex boyfriends…how would you feel to do the same? you’re just a copy of an imitation…and i’ll hate to see you crumble, i’ll hate to watch you fall, i’ll hate to see you lose. but hey…that’s what life is all about, right? and it’s all “unintentional” as we so politely deem it…we never “mean” for these things to happen. all we know is how to make our own selfish choices and decisions…the ones that will surely get us laid for one more day…so we can feel wanted and special…fuck me so i can feel like i belong, fuck me so i can feel unique…fuck me so that i can feel a human warmth next to mine to tell me that i’m pretty…fuck me and wake up the next day to find yourself alone…you people don’t understand the power of intimacy and sexual expression…you take it for granted and treat it as another notch in your belt…well, do it. fuck someone and have a one night stand, fuck someone and lose your virginity, fuck someone and let them treat you like shit the next day so you’ll come back the next night…you’re all ridiculous. pathetic…unbelievable…indescribable…and so damned regretful. i’ll watch you change your minds…and your hearts…and realize that mistakes were made…and i’ll surely be there to mock you when you try to tell me i was right the whole time. i’ll be there to stand you up on your feet and tell you that i’m glad you hurt…i’ll watch you suffer at the pains of heartbreak and poor decisions. do your best. come out come out wherever you are. and i’m still not fucking tired..i’m still insomniacal…. be what you only know what to be…lowly and insignificant…and keep yourself mired in your indignity and disrespect for others. a part of my heart has been in the hands of so many…and it’s been squeezed and bruised too many times, and i’m the one that’s always been apologetic for it. damn you. damn you for making me feel anything.