i answered the email…and it made me cry.  i haven’t felt emotional tears in a long time, not the kind that are pure.  i’ve had the ones of mistaken love, of broken compassion, of sharpened knives…but they aren’t the same as the ones i had tonight.  they were real, they were purposeful.  my heart dropped because someone else felt guilt for their actions, though i’m not sure why…why it’s come up now.  but it hurt me…i don’t want her to feel guilt, i don’t want her to feel responsible for the way i am…she wants to believe it’s her fault and that perhaps things would be better had…things remained as they were.  had she been there for me, as my emotional support…as i am for all these others, that maybe i’d be in a better place now.  the problem is…i can’t tell her…that it’s all untrue…i would be smiling instead of what i’m doing now, and i don’t want to admit it…i’ll admit it to myself, but there’s no reason to admit it to her…