i’ll never fully organize the thoughts in my head….

how much should it hurt to leave words unsaid?  how much should we regret those last actions that we never took?  how much does it even matter?

my thoughts have returned to something so painful, so dangerous…and it scares me that i’ve thought of it so much…the one person that broke me and cracked the core of my heart has returned to my thoughts.  i wonder daily how she is, what she’s doing, why i haven’t heard from her…but is it worth it?  i keep thinking that i’m worrying about something so far out of reach that it’s meaningless to do so, that she never gives a thought to me.  i don’t know why it’s still her, still that one, even after all the pain and damage that was done, i keep returning to that central point.  i think of it and i smile…and i hurt…in such a magnificent way…which makes me wonder if i should stop.

i feel alive through the pain and worry, sometimes even thinking that if i’m consoled that i may simply long to feel that same pain again.  what if my words mattered?  what if all those things that have been said really DO mean something?  chances are they don’t, or i’d have heard some recourse from her.  no, most likely they fall on deaf ears, and i’m being ridiculous as always.  i see it in my head, meeting her again, accidentally running into her somewhere in public, and i see myself breaking down.  i don’t know if i could take it.  i think if i do, my heart will dissolve and i’ll probably feel my neck tighten…the telltale sign of emotion and tears, and my eyes will probably flow.  i see myself gasping, covering my mouth as if i’m seeing something so unreal and so unbelievable…and i can only wish that i won’t be alone in that reaction…but i doubt it’s true.

i don’t regret it…i wouldn’t be the person i am now if it never happened.  i question my last words, i question my last actions…even with the advice i give others as of late i see my own mistakes and shortcomings.  i have become a hypocrite…and i’ll never correct those things. 

if i saw you, would you even know it was me?  would i know it was you?  would my eyes meet yours in a random glance across a huge room…and would i feel that there are oceans between us?  the world would stop when we were first together…everything around me was silent and calm, things slowed to an instant where only she and i existed.

i wish for a fairy tale, one that i’ll never have.  i want to gaze into eyes and know that nothing else matters.  i want to feel something unreal.  i want to feel something devastating.  i want to have my breath taken away.  i want to fall to my knees in a fit of emotion.

i want another Romeon and Juliet moment…to see someone in a room and know automatically that our souls are dancing…to lust for our lips to touch in one blissful embrace…to feel weightless when our hands touch…

what if?

can i be satisfied and whole if it never happens again?  will i ever forget?  will you forever stay in the back of my mind, no matter how hard i try to force you out?

i’ve fought myself for months about uttering such words, and i truly don’t let you keep my heart in your hands…i don’t let you prevent me from loving anyone else…but your place in my heart won’t be filled no matter how hard i try.  it torments me that it won’t, but perhaps that’s what love is all about. 

i know that the pain i caused probably can’t be fixed and that it’s a futile endeavor to even fancy the thought that our paths may cross, and even moreso that our paths will cross at a time that i’ll hear your voice and know that you’re looking at me…i’ll probably receive a glance from you while your heart is in a far away distant place, never to come back to mine. 

you are the one person that can truly make me cry, the one that can cause me pain…and the sad thing is, i allow you to do it. 

“there is no you, there is only me”  “i just made you up to hurt myself”  -nin

i know how i am, and i know that i’d only fuck things up again in the way i always do…i’m so erratic and indecisive…i want the things that i’ve lost instead of the things i’ve found. 

i’ve hurt so many people….and hopefully i have their forgiveness….people have given me their devotion and attention and in the end i throw it back in their faces…i show you my soul and then i cover it up again…and i’m sorry…and you’ll never understand that my pain is always greater than what i’ve caused you.  i hope that those of you i’ve damaged will learn to respect me for doing it.  self-inflicted pain is so much faster and easier than waiting for you to hurt me…but i’m sure it’s not the solution to my problem.

after four years of medication i’ve begun to question my own emotions….have i been myself?  how robotic have i become?  was i something so vastly different that i’d become the monster i’d hated to be?  i shut you out because i was afraid…because i worried i’d only fuck it up…and by closing my heart, i became my own self-fulfilling prophecy…i feared so much that you’d leave me ruined, and my fear only drove you further away…and i gave you no other choice but to tear me apart.

i never liked what i’d become, but i didn’t know any better.  i watched you cry to me, i watched you cry FOR me, and i stayed stonelike and unmoved.  and afterwards i tried to tear you down as well, but have now realized that i was the worst thing that could have happened to you…you deserved better than what i was, no matter how high of regard i kept myself.  i wanted to believe that i was untouchable, that i was the best thing the world had to offer…but i wasn’t.  i was the worst thing you could have had, at least in the end.  somewhere i lost track of my motivation and my love, and i turned it against you and pushed you away in my own self-pity.  part of me so desperately wishes that these words will fall where they need to be, and yet i doubt myself so much that it’s hard to believe they truly will. 

i’m probably better off alone, because it’s safer that way.  i can’t hurt you if i push you away.  your heart is safe when it’s outside my grasp.  my touch is cold…i can pretend that i’m flesh but inside i feel so twisted…like i can’t truly open myself to anyone anymore without fear i’ll only make them believe something that isn’t true.  what if things never changed?  how far would it have gone?  how much would you have continued to deal with?

i said i love you….to all of you…and it was true.  don’t ever think or feel that my words were false, or that my emotions weren’t there, because they were.  i’ve tried to learn that what is good for me may not always be good for someone else, even if it means sacrificing something pure and honest. 

not a day goes by without wondering if i’ll get an email, get a comment, or even a random phone call to hear your voice, and again it’s almost stupid of me to think of such things…my friends would demean me for believing something could ever happen, especially after all the shit that has happened.  but does that mean i should stop believing?  should i stop thinking of it?  should i erase the thought so completely that i’d be cold and distant if it happened? 

“what if everything around you isn’t quite as it seems….what if all the world you used to know is an elaborate dream….and if you look at your reflection is it all you want to be?  what if you could look right through the cracks, would you find yourself afraid to see?”  -nin

i’ll show you love, i’ll show you hate…i’ll show you deeper emotion than you’ve ever believed…i’ll make you thankful you met me, and i’ll make you hate me for ever crossing your path….

what would it take for you to believe in me again?