There’s one thing that i’ve kept private, one thing that was never read by anyone (save only a couple of close friends) and now i’m giving it to the world. this is the epitome of pain, the summation of heartbreak, the composition of literal depression. i created this for someone that never chose to read it. she had it in her possession for an amount of time, and it merely stayed in the floor of her car untouched, only to be returned to me a short time later, unread and unrealized. i can only hope that i never do this again, that i never spend so many long nights writing something so destructive, especially for it to haphazardly be tossed aside. i’m not asking for favors, i’m not asking for sympathy, and i’m especially not asking to change the heart of anyone. this was my release and my desperate attempt to bandage the wounded relationship that i never bothered fixing. it’s always too late isn’t it? a day sooner? a week? a month? no, i don’t think it would have even mattered. well, with no further ado, the infamous “breakup” letter that was written for the She-Hag, from April 2002. Never before and never since have i poured such emotion onto paper. I never expected it to fall on deaf ears, at least i’ve tried….and at least this way i’m not simply holding pages of regret for them to never see the light of day. This time YOU can keep it.
(cut for length, my emotions weren’t listless enough to fit on only a couple of pages, sorry)
(c. april 2002)
Hello. I wish I didn’t have to have these feelings, as it is only driving me crazy. I know that you aren’t feeling the same, which makes things even harder for me, as it makes me lie awake at night wondering what it is I could have done to make things different, but I can only realize now that I must be too late. Perhaps if I had been paying more attention to what I was doing to you, your love may have not faded so soon, and things may have remained as fresh and beautiful as they were when we first met.
Things were much simpler back then; our lives were fresh and exciting, and we both had mutual feelings for each other. But how quickly those times may fade, and lives may take drastic turns and leave one searching for what life truly holds. For me, the answer was love. I love you. There are so many ways for me to tell you, yet it was so hard to admit to myself that it was true.
It was too soon. You’ve expressed only now that you feel you may have not experienced the same feeling and that in some strange fashion it was simply fleeting emotion felt by young teenagers, but I can’t fully believe that. I felt something for you, something deep, something pure, something truly unbelievable. And all in one moment, I was terrified. Something kept me from understanding what it was that I was feeling, and only now may I see what it was. I was in disbelief. I didn’t want to believe that it was real, I lived life considering the option of my love lasting forever, or if this was truly the way I wanted it to be. Thoughts of other people, future and past fluttered through my mind, forcing me to evaluate the situation at hand, but at the same time keeping me from focusing on what I was truly feeling. It was you. It was always you. It was only you.
I can agree that maybe we did start off a bit quickly, and that maybe we should have spent more time together rather than moving in together, but I was just feeling that the situation was not being allowed to grow as easily as it could have been. You were limited by having a curfew and not always being able to go out, and I was limited by being in my parents’ house as well, with some similar types of rules. I wanted to be around you constantly, and at the time maybe you wanted the same thing, and by living together it allowed that to happen. I only hope that it wasn’t a reason that caused our relationship to suffer.
Your father was so direct about asking my intentions. He made sure I understood that you were becoming my responsibility, and that was a big step. I hadn’t had that talk before, and in some way I guess it felt really good to be taking on such a task. I wanted to make sure you didn’t fail and that I was able to keep you safe and secure. That’s one of the reasons I bought you a cell phone in the first place, so I could know if you were ever in trouble. I think I really enjoyed the times you worked at night at Dollar. It really gave us some time apart, and allowed me to miss you more. I was so anxious for you to come home to me during those times, which is why I eventually realized that you moving out might have been a good idea to help us establish a stronger love for each other. If only my insecurity hadn’t pushed you to tell me you didn’t want to be with me.
The reasons I was so shut off are still a bit hazy, but I can only tell you what I have figured of them, and that is the best I can say. I’ve done that a lot with people. I present this happy, amiable exterior and hide the dark turmoil I’ve constantly felt inside my soul. I, as much as any other human, desire to be loved, but I wasn’t sure by whom. I’ve tried it in the past, only to force those relationships to fail in whatever manner they did. As I believed that this was the love that would last, it was slowly shredding away from me and I never even knew it. The things I would have done if only I had known!
It is always said that hindsight is 20/20, and this is obviously no exception. I hardly expect you to believe me when I say that things could be different. You have no reason to believe that, as you’ve heard it all before. We’ve all heard it before. I can only tell you that with all of my essence and soul, the very air I breathe, the life I contain, and everything that I am, I beg you to believe my words. I have been humbled by your beauty, I am less of a person without you next to me, and you have charmed my life in so many ways I could never fully describe them all.
There is not a minute that passes that I do not think of you. Even the simplest of things…such as a waving flower or a crumpled hair clip forgotten in your hasty packing keep me busy with reminiscing of our time together. If only I was aware of these things at the time. When I was busy threatening to throw away your clips, I should have been cherishing them and laughing that I had stepped on them. I was too overbearing. I had so many protective feelings for you that I didn’t express them well, and I usually came off like a parent or guardian instead of a partner. I am sorry, truly sorry. My deepest responsibility of loving you was to never watch you fail or never see you hurt. These actions only made things worse, just understand I only had the best intentions of my actions and I never meant to be protector.
It is such a beautiful thing to wake up next to someone. I couldn’t have known that I would find it so horrible and unbearable to awake alone, and realize that there was not another soul inside your dark room. I don’t wish to attribute my feelings of longing to have a companion to my unforgettable experiences I have while I’m sleeping, but the darkness often keeps me awake and unblinking while trying to find strength or solidity in a blanket of midnight that eyes can’t penetrate. The room is so lonely. I took for granted the reasons you asked me to come to bed with you, and now I am left to remember all the times that I never answered your call and left you as alone as I now feel. Again, words can’t express to you my realization of this pain that I have only recently understood. I think of it every night, “Baby, are you coming to bed?” And what did I say…”Yeah, in just a little bit.” Will you ever ask me again? I’d like to say, “Yes, my love, my life, I am coming to bed, and I wish to cradle you in my arms and show you how much I love you. I was simply playing a game that is not as important as my relationship with you. I wish to hug you and kiss you and hold you in my arms until we both fall asleep. And then, I wish to find you next to me in the morning so that I may hold you in my arms again, briefly, until the time comes when we are able to repeat it.”
Your hands were so soft and tender, and I can remember a time that I kept them so close to me that you’d think our hands were one, and then suddenly I stopped. We would spend hours with our hands and fingers entwined, during our short breaks alone at work, riding in the car, sitting in a restaurant, or even just walking in the mall…but then it slowly stopped. I can never have those days back, and now I stare at those same beautiful fingers and dream of the day that they may caress my own hands again.
I remember a day before our relationship began that you were on a register in Toys R Us and I was in Rzone…I recognized the beauty in your hair and how much I wanted to run my fingers through it….and I paged you and told you that you had pretty hair. Was it an innocent attempt at flirting? Perhaps it was, but the truth is, your hair is remarkable. I loved it then and I love it now. It is so full of radiance and glamour, so seductive, and so comforting. I would watch you leave for work, and watch the way your hair would stream in the wind, so wild and so free, yet so inviting and beautiful. Most women would kill to have hair as well kept and flowing as yours, and I had the pleasure of looking at it on a daily basis.
You had so many rough times when we had first met, you had so many bad days that I wished to cheer you up constantly. I would spend hours picking out the right greeting card or stuffed animal to fit the situation, just to see you smile again. In a way maybe I smothered you with affection and gifts early on and it was contradictory for me to not do that any more, but I now wish that I would have remembered the happiness they gave you and done it more often.
I can remember the early times we would go out before our relationship bloomed, the times we would go to Roadkill and you would marvel at the oddity of the people there, and at the diversity of the friends I had kept. When was our first dance? It was on one of those dates, and the song was Tainted Love. I distinctly remember dragging you out to the dance floor with me and you feeling so out of place and awkward at the way people were dancing. It was a merging of culture, and I was giving you an insight into the things I was accustomed to doing. I never wanted you to be just like any of those people, or to be able to keep up with me and the way I danced, I was just overjoyed that you accompanied me to do something that I enjoyed doing. We got away from doing things like that and I wish we would have done them more often. I remember sitting in the back, holding hands and giggling at the people around us…how strange they seemed to you, and yet how normal they seemed to me. The song was Tainted Love. We never had “a song,” but I would always remember that as being a song we heard and enjoyed together. You in your beautiful red dress and me in my fuzzy black coat you had so lovingly purchased for me.
What about the other times before our relationship? The carefree passing of small sentimental notes that held such strong innuendos, the expression of happiness and fluttering of eyelashes…things were so much simpler. I remember the coat. I unfortunately have not worn it as of late, but I can never forget the feeling I had inside when you hand delivered it. I was in love with it. No one had ever made such a genuine gesture of caring, I think not even my own parents. You knew the exact thing I was wanting, and you acted upon it. I only wish I could have returned such an act.
Oh, the hematite rings. Was it hematite? I never remember things like that. I am speaking of the matching rings I once bought you on Valentine’s Day. The time I spent searching for something like that, and how I wanted so badly to find some type of matching jewelry for us to wear to publicize our love for one another. And the cheapness of such trinkets, how they so often broke in such a non-symbolic way, I now realize I should have been looking at something a bit more permanent and sturdy. What if I had proposed way back then? No, too soon, they all said. Give it time, you are both young, marriage is simply a piece of paper anyway. But is that really true? The joy of a gilded ring encircling the fingers of two people in love is much more meaningful than a piece of paper. The circle is forever, it doesn’t start, it doesn’t end, it only continues. Ever ask for more detail about the last tattoo I got? That’s one of the reasons behind it. The snake eating its own tail…the symbol of perpetual continuation, an ongoing cycle, a never ending picture of eternity, well, it is as meaningful to me as a circled wedding band.
During a conversation, you had once said that marriage would not have changed any of the problems that we have had, and I think in part that is true. But then again, it could have changed everything. I know I have told you my reasons before, but I’d like to make them clear. You did not have health insurance, car insurance was going to be expensive, it was hard to deal with a financial issue that the other one had because we weren’t legally able to do it since we weren’t married. If we had gotten married, it would have seemed to solve a lot of problems and could have been seen as being convenient. I did not want things to appear that way; I wanted it to happen because of our love and relationship. You would have been covered by my health insurance from Toys R Us if we were married, and that would have saved a lot of concern that I had about your jobs that weren’t offering the insurance. Car insurance prices would have dropped drastically for the both of us if we were married, and that would have been another convenience. As helpful as it would have been, I didn’t want it as a reason to marry. To be able to say, “Yeah, that’s my wife, I can take care of this problem” would have been convenient in certain situations, too, but again, I wanted it to be for love, not convenience. Looking back, I dwelled on these things too much, instead of simply asking you. Will I ever have the chance?
You used to make wonderful meals. I can understand that cooking seems trite or boring, or even too much like a chore, and I never tried to help. I’ve made a lot of meals the past few weeks, most of which seem suitable for me. I remember I used to cook when you worked at Dollar…you would come home late and I would have dinner ready for you. I remember that satisfaction clearly, I loved you and you loved me. We would sit and eat dinner as a couple, and it was a pleasure to make those meals. I had forgotten how much it means to someone to have a meal prepared for them, as I had been taking too many things for granted. I think the thing I miss the most would be your Cheeseburger Pie. Something as simple, yet so tasteful was such a strong gesture at the time, and I failed to realize and show gratitude for that.
My biggest revelation unfortunately went unheeded. You went out of town for an amount of time, and it nearly killed me. I don’t think I told you what really happened while you were gone, so maybe I should tell you now. I watched you walk on the plane, and felt my heart going with you. I went outside to try to catch a glimpse of you flying off into the blue sky, but I missed your departure. What did I do in the car when I left? I cried. My heart ached for you, my mind reeled at the thought of losing you, and I could only count the seconds until you returned to me. My heart died that day when you left, and I only felt release during the times we talked on the phone. I left the airport and came home and cried. I can’t say I cried, I should say I bawled like a baby. It was a while before I returned to work that day, and those days after I kept a pit in my stomach of pain and anguish waiting until the day I saw you again. Yes, I felt a relaxed bit of freedom, but in that short 10 days I realized that I wanted to spend my life with you, and that I was not complete without you next to me. This was the time I told you of my feelings and the direction I wished our future to go, but I failed and didn’t have the will to mention it again for fear of keeping your dreams at bay. I wanted you to have a future of your own, and I didn’t want your future to be mired into mine without you knowing the world with adult eyes. Perhaps I should have asked you then, those small words which mean so much, but I guess I was as frightened as you may have been. I spent that time away from you in tears, much as I have this time that we have been apart. I never realized the pain I felt for that time would again return to make me feel like an empty shell.
All of my friends had suggested that we marry, and even people not so close to me would always ask, “When are you going to marry her?” I should have heeded their advice, as it was something I knew I wanted to do, but couldn’t find the courage to do at the time.
Did I ever express my gratitude for you picking up after me and cleaning the house? No, I didn’t. I am sorry. I truly appreciated all the things you did to make sure our apartment was tidy and well kept, especially when my friends would come to visit. You would play hostess and entertain my friends, and I didn’t thank you. That was a big deal, and I wish I would have offered you more validation for your efforts. You also decorated the place when the seasons would change…you would hang Christmas lights and put up our Halloween decorations, and they were always beautiful. You kept things so lively and worth while, and I really miss those little things. And the other thing I never realized is how much you helped with the rats you so despised. You kept the cages clean when I was reluctant or didn’t have time, and I appreciate you doing so when you never really wanted to have them.
I could talk about so many things that I love about you, the way you walk, the way you looked at me when we would sit in the truck stop, the butterflies I too felt when you called me for the first time, the shyness I had since forgotten of having a beautiful girl show interest in me. There were so many experiences that we had together, so many wonderful times, and so many not so wonderful times. I love you. So many people fight to find love in another human being, and it is such a powerful thing. People live for love, people die for love, and people kill for love. The love I hold for you is enough to satisfy a thousand people for a thousand years if I could only share it.
These past few weeks have been so hideously painful to me. I don’t say these things in an attempt to make you feel sadness or guilt, I only wish to express how I feel, which is difficult for me to do. What happens when I see you now? I feel a black swirl of coldness rise inside me, as if something has died and is being reborn. It is a swirl of ecstasy and remorse all in one, a feeling of life and death. I lie in my bed with my phone nearby, hoping for that late night phone call from you saying, “I love you.” I spend each day hoping to find an email from you saying “Call me, we need to fix this.” I often come home at night only wishing to find your car in the parking lot, with rain pouring down, and you waiting for me to come home…so you may hug me and let me kiss you in the falling spring showers. I awake praying that the past month has simply been another bad dream, but I soon realize that it is all woefully the truth. Did I explain the reason I felt such an overreaction to the phone call when you were at the cabin that weekend? Well, I was nearly in tears, thinking that it was a phone call like the one I described. I thought maybe you were calling me in a desperate late night situation to tell me that it was all a mistake and that you were still in love with me, but it wasn’t. I’m sorry.
As simple as a short phone call is to make, I don’t believe I offered them to you in the way you did to me. Toward the time you were planning to move out but hadn’t yet, I called you at your job for once. You even said, “You NEVER call me at work.” And it was true. You spent so many minutes and lunch breaks to call me at my job, but I never returned the favor. I loved hearing your voice. I know I didn’t always act like it, and a lot of our conversations ended in bickering, it was simply a gift to hear your compassionate voice during my stressful, uneventful day. Every time I hear the phone ring at work I stop and wonder if maybe it’s you calling me, even if it is just to ask me about the cheat codes for The Sims. I would call you once an hour if you so wished it now.
I can never repay you for taking care of me when I was sick, you showed such compassion and caring that a poet could use you as an inspiration for love. You helped me when I was at my weakest, and you have seen me at my worst human times. I am missing the tip of my finger, and you did nothing but protect me and nurture me. I thank the heavens that I had you with me, as I would have never made it through without you. How gently you would remove the bandages, and how tenderly you would replace them. And you even helped me in to bathe and get dressed, and I would have failed to function in those times without your steady, loving hand. Thank you, for the emotional and physical consideration you always gave me in those dire times of need.
I have the utmost respect for how hard you work. You usually held two jobs, and I was most impressed by those actions. You never made me question that you would have money, as you always held more responsibility than I ever did. You were steadfast and dependable, and you always bounced back when hard times arose. You helped me in my financial times of need, and I helped you. It was a beautiful partnership, and one that I will not soon forget. I admire you for all the long hours you put into your jobs, and I should have told you how much I respect you for doing it.
You fixed my lunch to take to work. I loved that. I considered it menial at the time, but these past few weeks has made me realize how important it really was to me. It isn’t the food itself, although your meals were much more desirable than the ones I am able to make, and I’d say the most memorable lunch I had was when you came to Toys R Us to deliver my lunch you had not had time to make. I was so in awe with such a meaningful thing, but I never thanked you properly or told you how much I loved you for doing it. But I never brought you lunch. I really didn’t know my way around down town, and it didn’t occur to me at the time how much it could have meant to you for me to do so, especially with all the times you had done it for me. Thank you for all 30 minute lunch times you spent with me without holding a grudge that I had never done the same for you.
I should have hand delivered a dozen roses to your job on Valentine’s Day. I should have expressed my desire to marry you many months ago. I should have been more open to your whims and needs. I should have let myself go and lost myself in my love for you. I should have opened my world to you instead of shutting you out. I should have done so many things to make you believe me, but I didn’t. I used to believe that a person should not have any regrets, but now I have only one. I regret not telling you exactly how I felt about you. I would give up everything I am to change that one day that your heart changed. I would spend all the money I have, I would give all my possessions away, I would sacrifice all those things that I enjoy just to be able to prove to you that I have the deepest truest feelings for you, and that my life seems so incomplete without you as a part of it.
There were several things from my astro chart that I feel are worth mentioning. I know not everyone puts much faith in them, but there were a lot of things that I understand about myself but had never put into words.
a) You are an intellectual — emotions and emotional people are difficult
for you to understand. You are known for being calm, cool, detached
and objective.
This one is pretty explanatory. I tend to think about emotions rather than express them or feel them. I can know how much I love you, but I had a hard time expressing it to you.
b) Very fair-minded when dealing with large groups or broad issues, you are
not always emotionally sensitive to the needs of individuals.
This seems truer than I’d like it to be. I sometimes get lost in expecting some people to behave like a group instead of trying to relate to them as an individual.
c) You are also very cautious and conservative about spending money. It is not that you are selfish, you just need to feel secure.
A great explanation for why I was so concerned when you would spend large amounts of money without reminding me. I didn’t mind you spending it, I would just be concerned about having enough money in case something happened and we needed it.
d) Your sense of humor tends toward being earthy and slapstick crude.
Imagine that…not relevant but couldn’t leave that one out.
e) You have a dreamy, fanciful, romantic nature and a very creative
imagination. Indeed, at times, your private fantasies are more appealing than the reality around you and it is difficult for you to leave them.
It is sometimes easier to focus on the dreams in our head than the reality existing in front of our face. Our dreams are never falsified or disagreeing, and it is so much easier to play inside them occasionally. I wish I would have opened my eyes and realized that my dream was a reality, and that you had been there all the time.
f) You tend to be unselfish and giving in relationships and
are extremely sensitive of the needs of others.
I tend to start things out that way, but I just need to remember to continue that trend.
g) Growth only occurs for you after you have found a stable lifestyle and a dependable, protective and secure environment. You are at your best when those around you provide you with a great deal of affection and support. When you feel insecure or threatened, you tend to become possessive and grasping and self- indulgent.
Out of the whole chart, this is one of the truest concepts listed. I have briefly explained the whole Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs from my classes, but this puts it in terms that are easier to understand. I was fully growing as an individual around you; my basic needs had finally been met. I was enjoying school and learning, while secure in having the love of my life awaiting my return. Since this has happened, I can’t keep my mind on anything but you. It is so difficult to concentrate now. I really miss the love and kindness you showed me through all my ups and downs. You supported me in more ways than you knew, and I thank you for those things you have done for me.
My insecurity has always been an issue, I never second-guessed your love or trust for me, but I’ve never felt able to live up to your expectations of a stable boyfriend or husband. There are so many other guys that make more money, are better looking, and are probably more compatible by your standards, and I can’t compete with that. I’ve always been self-conscious about issues like this, which doesn’t make it right for the way I acted, but perhaps it helps explain my passive-aggressive attitude that I exhibited to you so often. I wanted so badly for you to love me, and I know deep inside you didn’t hold those types of comparisons about me, but they were always on my mind.
h) Extremely self-reliant, you set very high standards of conduct and decorum for yourself, and you expect others with whom you associate to be that way, too.
Oftentimes I would encourage you to act certain ways in public with regards to other people and such, and this sort of explains why. I keep a strange innate respect level for strangers and people in public, and if someone encroaches on my set of values, I inappropriately urge them to act differently. I apologize for trying to make you act a certain way, I love you for being your own person and I don’t want you to behave exactly the way I do. This relates to my over protective nature of you.
i) Very compulsive and obsessive in your approach to everything, you will avoid anything that is casual or superficial, especially when it comes to relationships.
I couldn’t just have a regular relationship with you, not after all that we have been through. I have so many deep feelings for you that I could never just consider you as “another pretty face.” You are such a beautiful person to me, both inside and out, but your appearance comes second to the love I have for you as a person.
j) There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments — they will not be entered into lightly.
This does frighten me terribly, as much as I love you I always found it so incredibly difficult to express to you that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I am so afraid of rejection I let you out of my grasp when all I wanted was to keep you by my side.
If you find the time or desire, please take time to consider some of the ideas presented in my chart and yours, it does help explain some of the issues with which we had misunderstandings.
When I see you now, I feel the urge to grab you up in my arms, to show you I love you, to hold you one last time, but your words forbid it. It pains me to look at you and know that you are outside of my grasp, that I will not be able to do it again. Your eyes bring me cheer, and your beauty still intoxicates me. What would happen if our hands were to touch once more? Would you shy away? Or would you pull away in disgust, demeaned by the inappropriate contact? Your lips are so inviting, and I only wish I had known that our last kiss was exactly that at the moment it happened. I fear I would melt in your arms if our lips met again.
And what of our first kiss? It was so overdue, and yet so difficult to acquire. The way we flirted in the dark, how you pulled me so near you and then hesitated. You told me you had waited for so long to be in that moment and I know my heart must have stopped beating at the moment our lips touched. It was unreal. I thought that day would never come, and that I was too insignificant to be with someone like you, but yet my dream was becoming a reality. You sent shivers down my spine, my heart was racing, my mind was full of hope, and my hands were sent trembling. Did you feel it too? We spent all night in each others arms, innocent and in love. What was the world to think? It didn’t matter at the time…damn the rest of the people that had anything to say about it.
I wanted to buy you a real engagement ring for Christmas. I wanted to show you how much I love you, and how much I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, but I refrained. I was scared. I had made that mistake two times in my life, and I didn’t want to have that happen again. I never felt like you were a mistake, I guess I was too unsure of myself, that maybe I wasn’t at a suitable level for you. I wasn’t in a position to be an adequate provider for you, and I often wondered if my social status was a concern of yours. I wanted to be able to offer you the world and everything in it, but it wasn’t possible at the time. Would I change it if I could go back? No. I wouldn’t change the ring that I bought you, but I would have asked you much sooner.
This is not about control. I never wanted to control you, and I don’t feel more pained by this decision since I have no direct influence over it. I can admit that I would like more ability to alter the outcome of the decision, but I don’t wish to control your choice.
Did I want you to buy a car? Yes. I always wanted you to have a car. My intention was not to keep you under my control by you not having your own transportation, but there were so many other subtle things that I wanted to ensure would not be a problem if you were to buy one. You were still a temp at your job, and I wanted to be sure that your job would continue before making such a large purchase. It is true that one can lose a job at any time, regardless of being permanent or temporary, but it would have set my mind at ease a bit more. The other thing was your health insurance, more to the point your lack of. If something were to have happened, we would have had to spend a large amount of money for you to go to the doctor, and that is something I wanted to be able to pay for if that situation had arisen. So please understand, it was not about us not having the money or keeping you tied to me for not having your own transportation, but there were things I was observing that I don’t believe I explained to you.
I keep looking in the parking lot for your new car, like for some strange reason it is going to be out there. I come home at night from closing at work, anxious to see your car outside as I usually did, with you inside waiting. There is nothing is more lonely to me right now than having nothing to look forward to on a daily basis. The aloneness I feel is a steady reminder of the love I lost and so desperately want back. Every black car I see reminds me of yours, like you have been there all the time waiting and you never left. I’m ecstatically happy for you that you were able to get the exact car you wanted; I just wish I was more encouraging and accepting at the time. I feel that part of me saw it as a method of removing yourself from me, and that I would soon be worthless as a partner, since I had nothing left to offer you. You were already making more money than me, you had your new car, you had a great job, and here I was, playing games and working at Toys R Us. What kind of future stability would you see in a person like me? I can only offer to love you, and I would never be able to offer you the best things in life you deserved and wanted so badly. Is love enough? I can’t answer that, but I’d like to think it is.
It seems your day has arrived. Today is April 12, the day I have dreaded for much longer than a month. This is the day that you become an individual and a responsible adult. I hate this. If only I had listened to your signals and been more attentive to your needs, perhaps I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this and you would not be removing yourself from me. I want to help you move. I don’t fully understand why, but perhaps it is meant to be cathartic. It is the final step in sealing the bigger reason you wanted out of our apartment, maybe I will get some bizarre sense of closure from the experience. Or maybe I’m just curious of the things that have become so important to you now. Whatever the reason, let it be. Of course I have to work tonight, and all I have on my mind is the phone call we had Thursday. It makes me feel pretty helpless and powerless for you to tell me that something is wrong and you don’t want to talk…especially when you are on the other line. It seemed quite contradictory, but I’m sure you have your reasons. Once I was calm enough to think a bit more clearly, I realized maybe I should be more concerned with why you are upset and not the fact that you didn’t tell me. I’m here to talk, if you ever need it, and I hope you remember that.
I’m sorry for showing up at your new apartment. I promise I had not been there for more than 5 minutes, and I was about to leave before you walked out. I needed to talk to you, I don’t care where you live, and I couldn’t even find it again if I tried. I don’t want you to see it as an act of deplorable obsession. I simply needed to know what time we were supposed to move your things. If you had no desire for me to be there or to help you, you could have made that clear the previous time we had talked about it. Instead you asked for me to help you, even after you had first said no, but you requested it again, and then decided that you didn’t want it. I wanted to help you because I love you. I didn’t plan on you falling in love with me because of it, but I care about you still and wanted to make sure things all went well.
I wish to God that I could make you return these feelings, but it seems my prayers are all in vain. The times I’ve spent with you are slowly becoming only the past, and my tears and sorrow are all for naught. I never wanted this day to come. My life has ended, my love shall no longer grow, and anguish shall soon be my only friend. I will not be myself for a very long time. I do not blame you. I do not say these things to make you feel guilt. You are the one beautiful being that I have found myself madly in love with on this empty, cold planet, and I cannot have you. I wish to live, as living is all I will have left, but it will be the most difficult thing I can face in the times ahead. I cannot make you love me, and I cannot make you wish to be with me. You wanted the same things I did at one time, but as you said, people change. Your life will be full of growth, and it is hurtful that I won’t be a part of it. The things we want are not always what we get, and sometimes the past should have been the future.
I will never forget December 25, 1999. It will forever be the day that my one true love came to me and allowed me to hold her. I will revisit those times over and over, and know only that I wish it would have never ended. It was the one time that I could truly feel alive and yet feel so much restraint. How I wanted to grab your hand as we walked around my grandparents’ farm, how the sunlight shone so beautifully on your hair, how everything was fresh and untouched by human fault and intervention. If only every day could have been as full of life and awe, and people could share those feelings with each other constantly.
Crystal, I love you. I want to be with you, I want you as my wife, as my companion, as my best friend, as my lover. I miss you like the rose misses the sunlight…like the fisherman misses the sea…like the heart misses the soul. I need you to know these things, as I wish I could have expressed them sooner. My life has taken a drastic turn, and I can only now look back on it with disgust for my actions. If I had only known what I was doing to you, making you so cold and so alone, I would have changed it in a second. My life is forever changed because of you, and I will never find anyone to replace you. You are the love I have so desperately sought, the shine for my day, the apple of my eye, and so many other things that I don’t have the words to express. I simply have one request, and that is for you to ask yourself if you have some small piece of me left in your heart. If you do, I just ask that you simply allow yourself to visit that piece, and take a moment to dwell in it. Find yourself surrounded in the love we once shared, and the feelings I once made you feel. Let your mind soar and your body ache, feel the pleasure of a morning kiss, a hug goodbye, of our hands clumsily grasping for each other in the dark. I long to stare out the window as you leave for work, or to wave back to you as you do the same thing. I crave the long nights we would stay up for hours just lying in bed and talking, and the lazy Sunday afternoons that we would spend chasing each other around the house laughing. I ask that you remember these things and dwell on them. Believe the words when I tell you that I love you with all my life, and let your heart remember the things we once shared.
With all my love,
Daniel Self
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