It’s so funny how things suddenly lose perspective…when you think things are falling into place, something will come along and throw you off course… I thought I had things under control, and now I feel I’m spiraling again, seeing things in all new light, and it scares me.  It’s so damn hard for people to get in my head, and a few of you have been able to do it lately, and I don’t know what to do.  Some of you are so close…and you don’t even know it, or maybe you do.  I often wonder how clear my intentions may come across, or if they’re even noticed…or if it even matters. 

I’m probably stupid as usual for thinking that anything may work out with these few special people that have caught my attention.  No, I’m not stupid for thinking that…there’s no reason to be.  Some of the best things in my life have come from my stupidity…as ironic as that may sound.  It’s always the ones I’d never expect, and I think that works both ways.  I’m not the one you’d expect, not the one you’d look for, not the one you’d hope to find.  I am, however, everything you could ever want.  At least I pretend that I am.  Perhaps I’m not, as others have been witness to, because I may hurt you.  I won’t do it intentionally, I won’t do it recklessly, I will do it because I don’t know any better. 

So, I have my secrets.  A few of you know them, but most of you will never have a clue.  I’ll continue to wear the mask and you’ll never know any different, and you may catch a glimpse of me when I raise it for a breath and you’ll see the way I look at you, the way I smile at you…or you may gleefully go about your life and never have a clue.  Will I admit it?  Hardly.  Some strife is best left untouched…and I may never admit to any of you how far I’ve fallen for fear of ruining the perfect world that we have. 

It sounds really lame…but I watch Smallville and want to cry…a lot.  This ruins the flow of what I’m saying, but basically Clark Kent is in love with Lana Lang.  He will never admit it…or does so ever so briefly, only to retreat into his shell because he is so afraid of hurting her again.  He holds his perfect love so closely in his soul, he hides it in his eyes, and tortures himself whenever he sees her.  I can relate only so well…as the few that have crossed my path are best left to my imagination.  Then comes the question…is it my place to protect them?  Nothing will come of a secret…but once those words are spoken, they can’t be taken back.  Risk is everything, and is it worth the risk to simply confuse and convolute the friendships forged because of a fluttering of the heart? 

So much damage can be done with so few words.   Hell, damage can be done without the words.  A look…a gesture…a tone of voice…it will all be taken for granted.  Stars will burn and tears will fall, and I’ll still be here to hold your hand and pick you up after you’ve been damaged and broken…I’ll still be the one trying to save you.