have i lost my voice?

“…replay the part, you stole my heart, i should have known you’re crazy…”    “so bittersweet this tragedy, won’t ask for absolution..  this melody, inside of me, still searches for solution… a twist of fate, a change of heart, kills my infatuation… a broken heart, to hide the spark, for my determination…” (GnR “Better”)

“broken lies and cigarettes, writing on the wall, it was a bargain for the summer and i thought i had it all… i was the one who gave you everything, the one who took the fall, you were the one who wouldn’t do anything, the one who can’t recall…”  (GnR “There Was A Time”)

“what i thought was beautiful don’t live inside of you anymore…” (GnR “The Blues”)

…at least as best as i can understand and transcribe.  good stuff.  i can’t wait for the new shit to come out, it’s fucking amazing.

i have a very strange callous on the side of my index finger on my right hand, and i’m having trouble figuring out what caused it.  i guess i recently started paying attention to it, sometimes it gets really dry and cracks, but i am clueless how it got there.  it’s a very odd place, and this sounds silly, but if you hold up a pop bottle, it’s right where the little ridge of the mouth of the bottle would press against your finger if you wrapped your index finger around it.  i don’t drink THAT much pop, not enough to have slowly and steadily developed a callous from holding a plastic bottle.  i also get a recurring one on my index finger on my left hand, but it’s on my fingertip.  not a very uniform thing either, just a strange stiffness and ridge directly on the fingerprint side of my fingertip.  maybe that’s where they are hiding the implants.

yes, that’s a joke. probably.  i’d think i’d notice by now if i had alien implants in my hands.  or if i’d been abducted…at least i hope i’d remember something like that.  and my ass isn’t sore.

i’ve felt lately like i’m missing a conversation.  i don’t know anything about it, but like…i feel like there are words i’m not expressing, or maybe that i’m losing my muse and my inspirations…and also that i can’t seem to find a perfect balance with pure openness and censoring my emotional thoughts.  my words can be very dangerous…sometimes people don’t want to know how i feel about them…and sometimes people don’t NEED to know how i feel about them…. but i feel as if it’s detrimental if i try to lock my thoughts in my head.  and no…private posts just don’t work…i need the exposure and the subsequent feeling that someone else is reading it and on some level they are connecting to my words and my emotions for that exact moment, and if only for that moment.  if i bring a reaction…i’ve done my part.  it seems all i have lately is the reactions of others…it’s my art and my cheer.  i don’t even care if it’s negative…those are great too.  if my words spark something deep inside someone…be it primal, dark, strong, loving, painful or some other emotion that can’t even be fused into words…then i’ve created my art. 

i need something bigger than life…bigger than this…bigger than what i’ve been doing lately.  maybe i need back in college so i can get exposure to other thinkers or just a different crowd.  i love my people, it’s nothing to do with friends or culture…maybe just something different.  maybe i’m climbing my ladder and meeting my needs and i’m ready for the next step…maybe my stagnation is truly pushing me to learn new things.  i started writing a new story a couple months back but never found the urge to finish.  hell, that was several months back, not just a couple.  as often as i scream how i don’t need another soul to bring my happiness, i think deep down i really do.  i need balance in my life, or things become too extreme and too erratic.  it’s the sign of true broodiness to say that i’m surrounded by so many wonderful people and friends but i still feel so detached from everything…but there are times that it feels so utterly true.  i had become so mechanical while on meds, and at first i felt free and felt like myelf again.  then i realized that my own reactions were slipping, that maybe it was keeping me from finding my deep connection with someone…who knows.  maybe i let some of them slip away because i was so cold and robotic…or maybe i just kept myself safe.  fate has served me well in the past, and i can’t stop believing that things have been moving in the direction they’re meant to move, and while my actions have impact on those things…ultimately i’m going the direction i need.  i just hope i’m not slipping into sadness and not allowing myself to truly fall for someone…or maybe my timing is just wrong right now.  i know for certain situations my timing is terrible, and i can’t discount what the future may hold for some of the wonderful souls in my life.  the time may just not be NOW.  i’ll find my moment, i know that.  i just want to be comfortable…i want to stop having to try and stop giving SO much of myself to others… i can’t though, it’s just in my nature to exhaust myself of everything i have.  i can’t help but be there for other people and never myself.  maybe shehag was right in telling me that maybe i just needed someone to be there for me.  perhaps that’s all i’m looking for right now, someone to look me in the face and just KNOW.  sometimes i just want to feel familiarity and normality, someone to be waiting with a smile to keep me company.  so many simple things that are so easy to give…yet it’s all so clouded with the walls we create and the defense we build around ourselves…we never want to just close our eyes and jump…