i can’t sleep.  i have a new muse, i have new inspiration, but i can’t find the words i want to say.  my words are failing right now, and i’ve looked to the past for motivation.  in doing so, i found a piece of apathy and distraction i thought i’d share.

–june 23, 2003—————————-

i stare in the face of it every day, yet it disgusts me so much. most of you aren’t fit to be here, and most of you don’t even want to be here. we complain so much about how our lives suck and how we wish we were someone else or somewhere else…and it defeats the purpose of existence. if we were somewhere else, then our lives wouldn’t have been accustomed to the place we are currently in….therefore we WOULD be something different. and wishing you were someone else? you think being another person wouldn’t allow you to feel pain or hurt? to be someone else would be to deny your existence anyway, and you therefore wouldn’t have any knowledge of the pain you hold. sometimes we need to suck it up and deal with it. i simply want to be loved. all of us want to be loved. i exist fairly happily without the touch of another soul, and yet it is the one thing i find myself significantly missing in my life. ahh, the duality of happiness, the double edged sword it is. another person will increase our happiness, and yet cause us so much self-doubt and pain in the process…i’ve seen it too many times. so many broken hearts and broken promises, the perception of living peacefully with another soul to call your friend and companion, and yet it is still another soul to cause you torment that you wouldn’t have if you were alone. and then you are back to facing your solitude and realization that you have no soul to touch…are we in an endless circle of constraint and melancholy?

a simple kiss, a simple connection. souls touch through the embrace of the mouth, and then that soul is nowhere to be found. twice this has happened, one soul that simply wanted to see, and another soul that i don’t know the reason…only assumed to be passion. you have gazed into my heart, and there was something. so many professions of contentment and decision to change in order to be that entity wishing to share my heart, and yet so much distance between the two of us. i’m only going to retreat further if this keeps happening, and i’m only going to turn into that which keeps disgusting me. i could take advantage of the manipulative powers that i have and wreak havoc on twisted needy beings, but i can’t do that with clear morality. something unique keeps me from reaching into your hearts and ripping you close to me and severing any ties you have with so-called relationships. you’ve seen so clearly what it is they offer you, and you see so clearly that you desperately want something else. i offer the other things, and yet you stay so far away. i’m probably just assimilating my true perceptions back into my conscience, i’m probably just getting used to being the friend that i am instead of the lover i’ve wished to be.

i can gaze in your eyes and tell you that your life has been a series of mishaps and misconstrued feelings, and i can tell you that things can be dramatically different if the choice is made.

i also talk too much. if you feel it, exhude it. there is no truth in hiding from emotion, there is no rationality in denying what your mind wishes you to do. too often do we do what we think is the right thing, when we should often just do what we feel is the better thing.

i know you’re out there, somewhere out there.

———————————————-