i think i’ve felt censored lately.

not sure why. just a phase, i suppose.

sometimes my insecurity really gets the better of me and it can be hard to shrug off certain things, but i’m working on it. of course this isn’t a “me” problem, it’s a human problem. we always want to feel special, we always want to feel unique. we always want to believe we’re the first, that we’re the pioneer…but the simple truth is…no one ever is. it’s all been done before. everything.

is it better to know? there can be some selfish pride in knowing exactly what you’ve done with a girl…knowing that no man will ever do something new that you didn’t…but i’m not sure where that gets you. i held that pride once, so often being questioned about how i felt about the “new man.” it was always my response…”there’s nothing he can do that i haven’t already.” for some reason it gave me peace…but only temporarily. i guess we ultimately hit that revelation that we didn’t make the cut.

how hard is it not to compare? am i better? am i worse? am i just the same? are they settling? are they compromising? are they gaining?

why the fuck must we worry so much about such petty things? seems to be human nature to find it so difficult to live in the present…we always want to live in the past and confuse and assume decisions will be based on such. we never want to believe we’re “good enough” at the time, and we totally ignore the fact that someone is with us for “us” and not because they want the past. if they did…they’d still be in their past…and not their present situations.

hmm, my friend number dropped, looks like i figured out who removed me. ironically…well, nevermind. just that the irony is hilarious. although…most people don’t understand the word “irony” anyway.

i’ve found a new safe spot, a new space where i feel so alive…and i wish it could go further. the moments seem so fleeting, regardless of how long they last…it never seems long enough. each time i’m there i feel so comforted, so safe, so…at peace. gawd i wish everyone will have the opportunity to find such a spot. i’m stealing this line from a movie, but the spot makes me feel like my heart stops and starts all at once. or something. it’s paraphrased, or maybe i totally made it up and got it wrong. either way…that’s just how it
feels. i love the feeling of being so desperately lost inside a moment that the world fades away. i used to search so diligently for those tiny pieces of bliss, but lately it seems i find them all the time. the single, perfect, exquisite dance of beauty and adoration…it keeps my mind dancing in the stars. i’d risk it all, still, to grasp those stars. i’ll burn my hands every night reaching for them.

i deserve it.

with all i’ve given others…i deserve my happiness as well. i’ve uplifted so many, all the while keeping myself grounded and always keeping my own enjoyment just out of reach. i’ve done it for them…just to give them a taste of what life SHOULD be…and so many still have no clue. i’ve constantly played the catalyst…the rope…the step to where you are NOW. so many “thank you’s” for leading them in the right direction. i’ve held their hand as they faced their demons, i opened the doors for them to pass…and so often i either chose to stay behind or was left intentionally. bitter? no. cynical? perhaps…but everyone deserves their happiness as fully as i do. if i must play the role of stepping-stone, then so be it. i’ll be your example, i’ll walk you to the next crossroad and show you which path to take. i’d love to come with you, but if i’m left behind, i’ll at least be there to guide the next lost, broken soul.

“you make this all go away, you make it all go away…”

i’m elated thinking of all the new experiences i get to share, all the little things that seem so trite, they seem so fascinating and new. so many things unseen and refused…so many rules and restrictions made…it boggles my mind. even the simplest nuances left untouched…so often i can ask “have you…?” and i receive a diligent “no, i haven’t…” and it warms me in ways i can’t express. the aquarian way is to share…we pour the very water of life
itself…i’ve recaptured my purpose. i love it. everything is so limited by time and extraneous influences right now, but i hope that changes quickly. i’m sure it will. i can dance in my dreams until then.

and the discussion of such a defining title…maybe i didn’t show the excitement i truly felt, but those same extraneous circumstances tend to keep a box around emotions i’ve wanted to express. again, things will change in time, i’ll find a way out of that box i’ve created.

“i’d give you everything if you’d just let me stand beside you.”