you’re the reason so many women feel ashamed of themselves, the reason they feel so inferior.  you treat them like objects…you train them to serve your selfish needs instead of their own…

insolent bastards.

people like you make me sick, you burn me to the core.  not often do i get this livid, only when people i love are so brutally attacked and demeaned.  i don’t like knowing my friends are upset…especially because of someone’s fucking stupidity and childishness.  there are only two other times i can even remember feeling this way….

the first was with shehag at toys r us.  a manager did something incredibly shitty to her, and i saw fucking red.  really.  tunnel vision and all, i wanted to shred them.  the other was that night at the cancer thing with danya when that girl went off on her…if it was fashionable to hit a woman, i’d have broken her gawddamn nose.

and this one.

it’s not even worth repeating.

after all that’s been done…now we’ve sunk to petty lows?  it is obvious things won’t go your way, so being so immature about things are supposed to change it?  maybe to me it just seems that the situation is valued far less than i’d even given credit.  dragging others into your little self-created pit of misery won’t help the situation, and it’s only going to create more resentment.  good job on that one.  what do you stand to gain?  more sense of control over a helpless situation that you’ve lost?  more difficulty and conflict?

i’ll be sad for you…i’ve been in those shoes, i’ve had to watch so many people walk away from me for others.  it happens.  life isn’t perfect and peachy, i wish it was, but it isn’t.  i’ve won and i’ve lost many times.  but how much do you care for someone if you don’t want them to be happy?  if your love is true…wouldn’t you want to see them in a better place?  or you simply want to be so selfish that you want to keep them as miserable as you are?

(warning…much personal info ahead, reader beware)

there was a time in teh past when i was with one i thought was “it.”  the end was nearing, though i tried to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t true.  everything had lessened…the amount of physical time we’d spent together was diminishing…and the sensuality was dying.  i should have noticed.  i had more desire to sit in front of my computer looking for…selfish pleasures…than spending nights in bed with her.  apparently she took notice.  so a few weeks before the end arrived…in a desperate attempt to liven things up, we visited the local “shop” to purchase something to increase her…pleasure.  both of us were excited, obviously, to try it out…so we rushed home (after buying batteries of course).  we start in, pulses beating…and lo and behold…she wasn’t responding.

in case you boys don’t notice…girls tend to…”self lubricate” when they are excited and turned on…and well, it wasn’t happening.  again, me being an idiot, i wasn’t even thinking that it was ME, i thought maybe the timing was bad, or a million other reasons…but never me.  but it was.  regardless of how much interaction we had, how much direct contact and pleasure she was receiving…it just wasn’t working.  the night ended with disappointment and frustration…her falling asleep, and me leaving to go visit the computer.

so what should i have learned?  a girl not willing to kiss me…a girl who doesn’t even get excited with hugely pleasureable external devices…maybe she isn’t INTO ME anymore?  just a thought.  why would i want to remain with that girl?  if i don’t turn her on, what’s the point?  is it just to be selfish and to know that it’s familiar and that we know what each other likes?  even though she seemingly doesn’t like ME anymore?

*edit*

i forgot to mention in my drunken ramblings that it was directly pointed out to me that, in fact, she was NOT turned on by me at all.  that’s why it wasn’t working that night.  simple as that.  i repulsed her, she was no longer in love with me, she had no feelings for me…and being so close and intimate was just disgusting her.  the body doesn’t lie, that’s for sure.  maybe it was a little mean of her throwing it in my face just how…unattracted to me she was at the time…but it was honest.  keep that as a reminder…if a girl isn’t getting turned on…maybe it’s YOU that she’s not into.

(end graphic story….)

what’s your concern?  never finding a replacement?  you won’t.  we can’t find replacements.  there’s no way to replace people, we just find new places for new people.  everyone has something to offer.  i’ve never believed there’s only “one” person for anyone…it’s ludicrous.  the grass is always greener, but it always tastes the same.

and now…i’m drunk and rambling and i’ve lost my structure and flow and don’t know what to say.

my heart longs for you to be next to me.  i want to wake up and see your face, i want you to sneak over some night while i’m sleeping and surprise me by cuddling up to me.  i want to hear you breathing next to me.  i want to smell you on my pillows.  i want to see you before i close my eyes, and see you when i open them.  i want your hair to tickle my nose as i lie next to you.  i want your feet to play with mine before we go to sleep.

i want to lie on our backs and talk for hours until the sun comes up.  i want to nod off on the couch watching tv with you, and carry you to bed.  i want you to forget me helping you undress and putting you in your pajamas, only to wonder how you got dressed the next morning.  i want to take your shoes off when you’re too drunk to move.  i want to lie side by side and stare in each others’ eyes and smile because we both know what each other is feeling.

i want to wake up with no concerns…with no questions…with no worries about what the rest of the day holds…i wanna wake up in your arms and be safe and content…to feel that the world can keep turning and never touch us…

you’ve got the key to my heart…

————-

Montega
Whoever you get to be with is a very lucky girl indeed.
Reply(1)5 years ago

Karissa Mitchell Mcmill…
This was very very interesting to me. Especially the part about the grass always being greener, but still tasting the same. Sooooooooooo very true! I always enjoy reading your writings, but thanks for spicing it up a bit with some porn scene in the middle this time, ha ha.
Reply5 years ago

She B
have you taken up writing blogs as an occupation? b/c I aint gonna pay you
Reply5 years ago