there’s such a fine line between adoration and desperation.
do you treat me this way because you adore me? or do you treat me this way because you’re desperate for attention and you think you may lose me?
i found myself in this same position a very long time ago…someone very close to me was going to leave. i’d realized it was my last shot, and i’d done nothing to stop the situation. seeing that i was in desperate need to fix things…i started doing everything that had been expected of me in the years prior. was i desperate? yes. had i wanted to do those things, i’d have been doing them the whole time. did i care about her? i did…but obviously not enough to be that person for the duration of the relationship. my desperation caused me to act out of character, it caused me to try to prove myself in ways that weren’t me. it was total bullshit on my part.
the little whispered nothings…the gems of affection…too little too late, i was told. and it was true. i’d taken everything for granted…and the ruin was my fault. changing my attitude in the last few days was not a sign of adoration…it was simply desperation. the signs of adoration had long disappeared, she was simply there out of expectation.
to adore is to do things without question…to do things because you love someone…not because you fear them leaving. the things we do when we go out of our way for someone without them ever asking…bringing someone their favorite candy when they have a bad day…telling them they’re beautiful and MEANING it, not because they asked how they look…
if you asked me a hundred times to do something…and i throw a fit about it every time…and never take the initiative to do it…even the simplest of things…and then all the sudden i decide to do it once, is it desperation?
do you adore me because you truly love me? or are you desperate to keep me because you fear being alone and never finding anyone else? are you with me because you know that no one else will let me treat you as badly as i treat you? if you adored me…why would you treat me badly in the first place?
a person won’t change inside a relationship…thinking they will…is just pointless. i’ve been that person…at my lowest point, i realized that i wasn’t the thing that the other person needed…and i knew i couldn’t change it. it didn’t matter how many times i tried to turn things around, it didn’t matter how often i tried to be all those things the other person asked…i simply was NOT that person. we can’t be. we will always fall into the same routine because we expect the other person to accept it. they have in the past, why should they change their mind now? well, change your minds.
through pain and suffering, we will learn our mistakes. Hell is separation from God. heartbreak is separation from our loved ones. if i love you…and you leave me…my heart will break. i’ll be forced to face my demons, i’ll be forced to look myself in the mirror and decide if i want to repeat the same mistakes. until you leave me, i’ll never understand that i’m broken. until you walk away, i’ll never know how much i’ve hurt you. if you stay with me…i’ll continue to treat you exactly as i have. as they say…we don’t know what we’ve got until we’ve lost it. maybe after absolute desolation will i realize how much i’ve broken you.
if you leave me, you’re dead in my world. i no longer have you to hold onto, i no longer have you to depend on, you’re no longer there for me.
if i care about you…i’ll want you to be happy…i’ll want you to have someone who adores you. if i care about you, i won’t want you to be with me simply because you feel guilty…and i won’t want you to be with me simply because i’m desperate.