i miss her.

i miss her terribly.  my life has just been miserable since all this bullshit happened.  everything has just been so depressing.  i didn’t realize that she had connected to so many things i do on so many levels.  i don’t even know where to begin.

i read old emails from her…back from when we first met…and there was so much love and devotion…so much excitement…so much passion.  where did it go?  how did we stray?  so many “i miss you’s” and “i can’t wait to be in your arms” lines, so much about “i can’t wait to stand beside you” and “i’m happy as long as i’m with you.”  what have i done wrong?  love can’t fade this quickly…not again…

every little thing was just so meaningful…all the short times we spent together…for lunch, for her coming over to “work out” and for her “going to christi’s” and everything else.  god.  to see her show up at my door in sweatpants and a tshirt again…i loved it…she was so immediately comfortable around me and was always just so…beautiful.  i couldn’t wait for the next minute i was able to see her eyes, touch her face, kiss her lips…just hold her near me…i wanted to lay in her arms forever.

i miss her hair…gently brushing it over her ears…gently sliding it out of her face…grasping it with both hands as we kiss…how soft it is against my cheek…and those few times that i really played with it and braided it…i was so happy!  it was so adorable…

i can’t even sleep properly anymore…i dread going to bed, i have been sleeping on the couch mostly…until i wake up at 5am and only have to be in my bed for a couple hours.  everytime i lay in it, i reach over hoping to find her…my body keeps spreading my arm under my other pillows and stretching my leg over…the same as when we would lay intertwined…my leg between hers, my arm around her chest holding her so damned tightly…i never wanted her to slip away.  i’ve never been able to sleep that close to someone, i’ve never felt so safe and secure in anyone’s arms…i’ve never felt the serenity of being so near another heart.  it just pains me…i haven’t felt it in only a week and already it feels like an eternity.  she was so warm, so soft…so comfortable…the way her chest would rise and fall slowly as she breathed…how she would sometimes roll over and snuggle into my chest…it always made me smile so much, it made me feel so loved and wanted…and how we always found each others’ feet and rubbed them together when they were cold.

and her breath…it took several months to notice…but one day i just realized…i loved it.  it was recognizable and constant…when we slept i could smell it, i could smell her breathing into me…and i think it’s one thing i miss the most now.  and never did she wake up with a horrible mouth…it was never overbearing and nasty…and her scent…ahh…against my sheets, my pillows…i hate that it’s gone.  it was faint…nothing overpowering…but just enough to linger and remind me she was there.  i would lie in it and smile…smelling her…remembering her…dreaming and fantasizing of her…of all the times we shared in that room just cuddling and caressing…the nights we’d lie awake til 4am in sheer jittery nervousness…the first time my hands touched her bare skin…the first time she found the courage to touch me…how she kept saying how she’s more confident than that…but she felt like a schoolgirl.  so giddy…so shy…so fucking adorable.

with so much distance, it has stopped me from so many small sentimentalities…as i was shopping saturday morning i saw so many things i’d have loved to tell her about, but couldn’t.  snowglobes…funny posters…stuffed animals…keychains…so many things i saw and thought “omg i’d love to get that for jen!” but wasn’t supposed to.  it sucks.  i loved finding cute things for her to make her smile.  she invaded my every thought.

i haven’t admitted it…but lunchtime at work is the worst part of my day.  there was a time that we’d talk and laugh…through text or phone…or in person…and now i just feel alone.  i can’t call her up and have her tell me she misses me, i can’t text her and have her say something dirty that she wants to do to me, i can’t be next to her and have my heart racing…just dying til we turn a corner where we are alone so i can grab her and kiss her.  oh…the elevator…the few times we ended up alone…how our lips so quickly found each other in dangerous passion…

and my dirty little secret…she wore my leopard boxers last time she was here…i kept them near me just because she wore them so close to a secret area…the scent of sex still lingered.  i kept envisioning her wearing them…laying on her stomach with her cute ass sticking up…how soft it was, how inviting…i couldn’t take my eyes off of it.  they were MY shorts…and her sexy body was in them.  i loved it…and her in my white tshirt that day…and the pic she sent me…jezus.  i’ve never been more turned on by a girl.  at first i thought maybe i was just in the moment…but i’ve really thought so much about it…and i have NEVER been more turned on by a girl in my entire life.  i can’t put my mind around it…there is just something about her, something so sensual and loving…the way she gazes into my eyes, the way her hands touch me…when her lips hit mine…i’m simply in heaven.  i can’t explain it.  she’s the one girl that has been able to rock my world in a way no one can.

we used to talk for hours…now it’s mere minutes.  where have we gone so wrong?  where did we lose our path?  life has stressed her out so much…i sometimes think that it just pushed her away, that maybe i’m not truly the entire reason…but i can’t say.  there’s so much that has happened to her, so many bad things lately…and i’m the catalyst.  i blew her fucking world out of the water.  i threw her into so much turmoil…so much despair…so much emotion.  is it resentment?  is it regret?  does she hate me for pushing her to make such a big life decision and change?  even then, i saw myself with her…forever.  the way i feel about her, the way we connected, the chemistry we share…and our bedroom antics…i don’t want to lose this girl.  i wanted her to be mine, always.  i wouldn’t have tried so hard if i didn’t feel it.  i wanted her to be the “one” and the “only” for my life.  i never wanted her to drift so far from me.  even a month or so ago, she told me about a dream…a dream that she was shopping for a wedding dress.  i smiled quietly to myself…never said a bad thing about it…of course, i could have laughed…said that was ridiculous…said it was crazy…but no.  it was beautiful…i think i saw her dream as she was telling me…picturing her in a beautiful white dress…i’ve said too much.

i just wish she would come home.  i just wish she would close her eyes and find those feelings again, the ones we danced in so often…so gleefully and without a care in the world.  we’ve gotten away from what we were, and allowed ourselves to become something different.  we lost our interaction…we stressed over little things and life…and we’ve allowed walls to come up.  i’m fighting them…i’m breaking them…my insecurity and fear of losing her has caused me to lash several times.  it has caused me to be self-indulgent and grasping.  i think part of us started taking the relationship for granted instead of valuing it for what it truly was…true love.  true admiration.  true connection.  we loved with a passion unheard of…with strength beyond that which most people ever find…with feelings that some never realize are possible.  i love her…her soul…her brain…her heart…her very essence.

even against all adversity…i’m still trying.  i’m still pursuing.  i’m risking losing close friendships just to take the chance that all can be worked out.  it’s a risk i’ll gladly take…it’s one i’m not afraid of.  i want her back, i want things to be how they should be, us together…in each other’s arms…her comforting me and me comforting her…sitting on the couch, hand in hand, laughing, smiling, giggling…

i just want her to come back home to me…to complete me…to finish the story that we started back in october.  to reinvent the love we share and the feelings we had…i don’t want to lose the one i’ve looked for, the one i’ve waited for, the girl of my dreams that complements me so well…

i love her.  with all that i am, i love her.  my fragile little jennifer…my peach…my humplebutt…my humler…my girl.  the one that cried for me that drunken, icy night…”i just want my daniel…i just want MY daniel…he makes it all go away and makes me happy…”

i never wanted this to end…i’ve had those visions of the future…us growing together, us getting married…arguing over what color my hair should be…her telling me i have to wear a tux and not a kilt…a beautiful strapless dress squeezing her body and a long flowing white tail behind it…our smiles lighting the whole room as our hundreds of friends watch us and see us happy together…making decisions as a family, watching jordan grow…going to football games…visiting her family next christmas…every fucking detail i’ve seen in my head…and i don’t want to believe that it was all just a silly dream…