Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may feel like you’re receiving messages from outer space today, but they may be indecipherable. Don’t struggle trying to translate anything into English, for you can get the gist of it by just using your imagination. You know what it means, even if it doesn’t make much sense. But that’s the point; it isn’t about the words. For now, it’s all about trusting your intuition.

in other news…my withdrawal is getting intense. this would be the stage that it becomes a bit unbearable…the time i could easily swallow a pill and make it all go away again, but i can’t. not this time. not after the progress i’ve made. i’ve TRULY found emotions that i’d forgotten, and i don’t want to lose sight of that.

i’ve found the emotions that remind me how DEEPLY i can love someone…and how that could turn into so much hate…and i’ve realized there’s still been only one person i’ve held that hate…and she’s still in the distant past. it would take a lot to replace an emotion like that.

anyway……my head hurts, my eyes hurt, my brain hurts…i’m swirly and just having a hard time keeping focus. i’ll find my way. my face just feels thick and i want to go back to sleep and ignore all of it. so many thoughts and emotions are dragging me into bad places again, making me reminisce about dangerous people that i don’t need close to my heart anymore…and emotions that are making me doubt myself and my current situation.

i’m fine…i shouldn’t doubt what is going on, and i shouldn’t doubt the feelings i have for another person right now…and i shouldn’t doubt the intentions of that person. perhaps that’s always my downfall…perhaps i shouldn’t give such credit for others to bring me lower.

the damage caused has still thrown me into a bit of a spiral, and i keep wondering “why me?” why would someone choose to do this to ME? of all people…the one that would bring solace to your pained world…the one always there to save you…but yet…it meant nothing. i don’t want to hear otherwise. i don’t BELIEVE otherwise. again…it’s just another tragic flaw. i allowed this to happen. i allowed myself to believe things that were obviously untrue. everyone saw it, i saw it…but i chose not to accept it. i chose to give grace to those who deserved none.

not again. you drain me each time, and i just can’t deal with it anymore…i can’t allow myself to become so empty as i found myself to be. my love is worth more than that…and for once in a very long time…there is another soul in my path that truly respects the love and potential that i have…and my infinite patience will ALWAYS prevail. there’s no reason for me to step down again.