just reposting…in a vain attempt to find understanding. of course…my words ALWAYS come full circle and ring true.
dec 9th 2005
finite perpetuality…..
Current mood: discontent
it’s…seemingly true. things generally ARE what they seem, and some things can’t be hidden by flowery fragrance and pretty paper…
i’m still complicated…i’m still difficult…and i still chase the ones that are only running from themselves. i’ve disappointed a few lately…and i’m sorry…sometimes feelings just aren’t there i suppose. and of course…i can’t simply explain that i’m not really the exterior that you see….so many bad things in my head, so many bad things i want to say to people…if only to get a reaction. maybe those few are right in saying i’m bitter and cynical…i dunno. some of the things that have been said just seem so inhuman, and hell…maybe it’s fitting. i’d decided so long ago that i really didn’t want to be one of you, and i’m still trying so desperately to not be…but i’m always slipping. i keep feeling love and desperation…i keep feeling i want to show those beautiful few that “we” really do exist…but those things always lead to rejection. sometimes its better not to reveal how i feel. so many of you will never know how much i like you, how much i want to be close to you, to feel your hands, your lips, your hair…your eyes gazing into mine. it’s so dangerous to use those words, because they can so easily be thrown back in my face.
where is it coming from…i feel a sadness growing in my throat, that lump, like i want to cry, but i don’t know why and i don’t know who the tears are fo. hell i don’t even know if it’s sadness…maybe i just want someone to hold me and tell ME for once that everything will be ok. i give so much and i don’t want anything in return, it’s the path i’ve chosen…and i dare not expect any reciprocation for my actions. i’ll tell you a hundred times that you’re beautiful and that you deserve so much more, that he was never worth it, that the right person is out there……and then they all tell me the same thing….maybe it’s the disillusionment that hurts me. maybe i want someone to tell me “daniel, there’s no one out there for you.” ah, and now i just sound self-loathing…no, not now. that’s not what i want.
some of them understand, some know how i feel and can relate to the yearnings i have because they are the same way.
even the simplest conversation i had today…that the only thing i’d ask is that you don’t cheat and you don’t lie…is it really that hard? that’s all people ever do. it’s so much easier to be involved, to be committed, so why make the choice to keep making everything difficult? why keep looking for temporal happiness in other people when we have one to love that’s sitting at home waiting by the phone….instead of looking elsewhere, why not just go home? just call the one you’re lying to…quit being fucking assholes…will you ever grasp how badly you’ve damaged those people?
something is so lacking…i just want to get lost in a moment, i want the world to stop spinning as i’m in the arms of someone, i want everything to disappear as i fade into another’s heart…i want to kiss someone in the middle of a giant crowd and be oblivious to everyone staring….only to know that i’m the only thing that matters…no judgement and no concern about the outside world….if only for the briefest second…
so many of you will never know how much i truly want to hold you in my arms and how much i’ve fallen for everything that you are……

————
Christina Replogle
People are mean… it’s not intentional. But there is someone for everyone. It just takes some people a lot longer to find eachother.
Reply4 years ago