September 3, 2006 – Sunday

nothing left..
there’s really nothing left for me. i do this every fucking time and i still haven’t decided who i hate more…myself for doing it consistently, or the people who cause me to do it. these things never end, evidently it’s my pattern. borrowing from Reznor…i DO see the future because i DO repeat the same routine. it’s amazing how i can go back and look at old posts of mine and find the exact same related situations…where so often i find myself playing second fiddle…and every time, i slap myself for doing it. i’m better than you. i’m better than that. i’m better than this. i’m too good to see past my own realization that people are talking monkeys who hardly deserve my time.
april 19, 2003–
i ponder loneliness during the days, and then i realize how alive i am when i’m alone, and think that it’s probably the best for me to be solitary. where’s my bitches? i should do without them. women love to have a person in the exact spot that they want them, and they have the manipulative power to do it. so many of us fall victim to getting involved in situations that are utter bullshit only to realize it down the road…i hate playing second fiddle to ANYthing. of course i’m a selfish prick, so that isn’t such a big deal coming from me. but i’m NOT second best to anything. i found something in my stuff today, the old high school journal of all the seniors. one of the girls had left something in her bio under “most memorable moment” as “meeting Daniel Self.” of course, that would be me. i hadn’t felt that type of confidence recently, it really sparked something and made me feel good about myself again.
—
how fitting. over 3 years ago i found myself playing second fiddle…and realized i’m fucking stupid for doing it. and as history repeats itself…i do it again and again. can i stop? WILL i stop?
i am your stepping stone to better things in life, i am your building block for realizing your capabilities. i’ll be the one to raise your ego to godly status, only to have you trample mine in the process. i’ll hold your hand and walk you toward believing in yourself…only for you to let go of me when we arrive. i’ll protect you from the darkness in the world, only to wake up and find you gone. i’ll cry on my knees to you, wishing you the best…and you’ll never even look back.
there was a time when i didn’t worry, when i didn’t allow others inside, and it was a safer time. now my life is a series of moments…of connections…simple glimpses of happiness that i only touch briefly. they slip away so soon…so quickly…and then i’m left searching for the next one. i’m afraid, i’m intimidated, i’m weaker than you’ll ever know, and i hide it behind my arrogance and cynicism. i’ll destroy the world you know, and show you a new one without pain and sadness, and you’ll find yourself alone in the new place i’ve given you, and i’ll still be hiding in the world you used to know.
i’ve touched grace…i’ve touched pure beauty…i’ve touched pure love. i should be thankful for that…thankful for the ones that have shared it with me…and respectful to the ones who still appreciate what i am. i’m ready to start shining again, brighter than you’ve ever known, and if you aren’t ready to see it, be prepared to simply look away. my wings are tired of being folded and half-torn from my back in a vain attempt to pretend to be like you…it’s time i go back to what i know best.