“i hate you, you’re an asshole.”

the words ring over and over, loudly in my mind. you mean it. it always seemed like a joke, but it’s the one phrase that has been muttered more than others.

and maybe i am.

and as always…i’m the one that’s wrong, i’m the one that’s damaging, i’m the one at fault.

and that’s fucked up.

i’m not the only one to blame here. i’m not the one that’s in your way. i’m not the one that has made your life decisions and restrained your freedom. treating me like shit isn’t going to rearrange your life.

every word is a fight, every action is false, and every feeling i have is WRONG. that’s bullshit.

verbally hurting your feelings is my mistake, but i don’t deserve to be treated this way. no one deserves this treatment. and sadly, you’ll never step outside your perfect world and look from my perspective. you’re so fucking convinced that i’m the devil that you won’t see otherwise no matter what i do.

everyone is not out to get you or hurt you. i’m especially not out to hurt you.

your ability to simply erase two years and pretend we aren’t as close as we were…is astonishing. i don’t get it. i don’t understand it. i don’t think i can. i’ve watched so many others do it too…perhaps it’s a unique female ability to flip a switch and turn it off. well…i don’t have that switch, and i don’t see how it’s fair to expect me to so drastically change my behavior from being utterly in love with you to becoming second best to every other boy you’re meeting and friend you’ve had for much less than the tenure of our friendship and relationship. i certainly don’t know what you’re trying to prove by forcing me into that position either.

oh but wait…there’s the perspective of what i’ve done. the perspective that i always put MY friends and life before my relationship. how often did i cut a date short to blow you off for any of my friends (especially under the guise of being the concerned friend, which later is revealed to be a multi-person gathering)? since when did i spend every minute on my phone texting others when i’m with you? how can i continue believing your words and how you want to work on things when your actions clearly speak the opposite?

this behavior is not speaking well of you. i’m being treated like a worthless piece of shit, and like i’m wholly unimportant in your world. i’m now your backburner friend and second-choice companion. that’s fucked up. monster i may be, but i’d never have done those things to you.

i’ve been unappreciative and taken things for granted. i’ll admit that. i’ve been in a bad place for a while, and i was just letting myself sink further. and now, like all the others, you’re just turning your back on me.

“so it’s my place to have to fix you?”

that’s probably one of the rudest and most hurtful things i’ve heard you say. how selfish are you? when did you lose your grace and humanity and decide that you’re above being there for ME? even being there as my “friend” which you are so quick to repeat as what we are? our entire relationship i was supposed to be there for you and be your shoulder through the darkness, and now…i’m left to deal with my struggles alone?

the only time i see any semblance of who you were is when you’ve recently been half asleep in my arms. it’s the only time you’ve let your shield down again and believed me. as soon as you walk out of the door, it’s perfectly acceptable to ignore my texts and calls on the grounds that you’re “busy” and then i’m called out on it if i miss one text or call from you that i’m being shitty and ignoring you. quid pro quo.

i never questioned my feelings of being with you, and i don’t question them now, but you can’t honestly tell me that treating me this way is remotely acceptable.

it has been a very long time since i’ve found anyone i’d see myself marrying, 8 long years now, and ironically the pain i’m going through currently is the exact reason i kept myself so closed off and safe.

you say now you can’t trust me with YOUR feelings…how should i feel about trust you with MY feelings? maybe it is justified with treating me this way and showing me exactly what i’ve done to you. maybe you just want me to suffer in the ways you’ve suffered.

you don’t want to believe me, and you don’t want to believe in us. you don’t want to see the potential we still have because it’s safer to pretend it never existed. it’s safer to pretend that i’m the source of all your misery and confusion that’s existed in your world.

yet the first week of our “time away” you were telling me that without me, your mind only had time to focus and stress over all the other things in life and it wasn’t any easier or better. so quickly that changed too. so quickly you took the easy way out and just reconfigured “time away” into “i dumped you, how do you not see that?” i can’t help but feel some significant event set that into motion because the perspective and attitude about what was going on certainly seemed to change overnight.

i know what i want. i know my feelings. i know where my heart stands. when everything i do and say is being refuted, what am i left to do or believe?