The end

and i saw the skies burning, the horrible red flash in the sky…the rumbling of the ground as the devastation hurled closer. i sat with you, in my car, holding you in my arms, and me in yours, as we cried…and in mournful pain said “i love you…”, and you hurtfully replied “i love you…”. we closed our eyes as the world crumbled and the heavens fell…i held you tightly as the world died. the light was blinding, even through closed eyes…and then the horrible noise as the world screamed one final time before ultimate destruction…and then it all went black.

and then i realized i was still conscious, and still alive…and that i was left utterly alone. you were gone, and everyone else was gone. the whole world was darkness and i hadn’t gone with you. and in that instant, i felt how awful the world was without you in it, and without you by my side.

darkness and silence, without you…for eternity…the beautiful destruction.

 

I want to believe things were real…don’t let me fall apart…

 

I still love you, and I forgive you.

 

I just want this to end, by any means necessary. Everyday I will continue to break. This is not supposed to happen, not like this.

You should be nothing but a distant mistake, but yet you’re not.

I only want to know what words were said to you to make you hate the way you truly do.

 

The 22nd.

Another month has passed. Not one single word or reply of what happened to my mother. It’s truly clear not a shred of you ever really cared.

And me, I can’t even sleep in my bed anymore for all the remembrance of times with you. Every night still dreaming, and waking up believing you were next to me.

You’re empty. I’m the one with a heart.

I see that now.

 

“…my heart kept breaking, I threw it against the wall…can anyone hear me at all?”

 

I don’t want to do this anymore.

 

I’m still broken, and I don’t understand why. I keep feeling like nothing is ever going to be the same for me. I’m so sick of going through this time and time again, and there truly are days I don’t even want to be here. I hate feeling especially like I’m the only one to even suffer, while the others walk away smiling.

One day I want to know what the fuck is wrong with you, and the next you make me wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.

I never deserved this abandonment, and I never deserved a quitter.

 

Fuck. Fuck.

I wouldn’t know how to handle it. Today is the day I truly realize you’re never a part of my life, never, on the one day I could have used you the most.

 

Why do I still miss you…every day I still catch myself thinking of you smiling at me…I miss sharing all those meaningless irrelevant texts to pass the hours… 🙁

 

I don’t want to fucking cry about you anymore, Shortcake 🙁

 

You’re an arrogant assjole, Daniel.

 

And again, in one fucking dream, everything is perfect. “I need you to help me, Daniel. Show me this is real.”

“How will you look at me 3 weeks from now? Will you still hold me and show me you love me?”

“Every day” I promised, “every day.”

Fuck.

 

All you must want is my suffering. No one is naive enough to not see how badly I’m going to crumble. At every step I’ve thought I was wrong about you, and every step you’ve proven worse than I’d imagined.

History repeats itself, and this time will be no different. I just don’t get why you think I deserve for you to keep tearing me this way. I never did anything to you to warrant being treated like this.

 

Take thy beak from out my heart, and thy form from off my door.

 

Such a waste of time, such a pitiful mistake. Why did I ever have faith in you? Why did I ever believe you were worthy? I’ve only been caused pain, and all fingers have been turned on me.

“you were never good enough for her, Daniel.”

Once I thought you were an angel, but it seems you’re simply human like all the rest. I will gladly name this as a regret. I will gladly say it was a mistake I never should have made.

If the words of others could so easily trip this up, why should I have cared in the first place?

 

And now after so many long years…I have one regret. One huge regret.

 

Surgery last Friday went through with no complications. I’ve been sleeping a lot, not a whole lot of pain. Each day is a little better or a little worse, only time will tell. I still have weeks of healing and improvement to look forward to. Thanks everyone for the support!

 

I’m the one that did all the damage, I’m the one that caused all the hurting.

If that is what needs to be believed to so quickly find reprieve in so many other beds.

“you’ll never cover up what you did with a dress…”

 

Three weeks.

Perhaps I should remember the level of commitment. In less than 3 weeks I was a blank wall and distant memory. All my pictures had been taken down, and all evidence we were ever together became a joke to all her friends. I wasn’t good enough? I guess by not cheating and not abusing her I wasn’t. I guess by not driving a giant truck or having junior high garage parties I’m not good enough. And I suppose by not choosing to talk to her simply to fuck her and pretend I care, that’s likely a big reason why I’m not good enough. Even by not doing drugs period, especially with a child in the house, must make me a terrible person and not good enough.

She walked away in less than three weeks after an argument. She had removed my pictures from her walls less than three weeks after an argument. She suddenly retracted all desire to have my children and be with me forever less than three weeks after an argument.

And I should truly believe this girl wanted to marry me?

 

one hundred more…

one hundred days,

one hundred fights.

one hundred fears,

one hundred nights.

one hundred problems,

one hundred kisses.

one hundred solutions,

one hundred misses.

one hundred words,

one hundred defeats.

one hundred arguments,

one hundred retreats.

one hundred tears,

one hundred pains.

one hundred smiles,

one hundred refrains.

one hundred disasters,

one hundred wins.

one hundred confusions,

one hundred sins.

one hundred loves,

one hundred hates.

one hundred wants,

one hundred too-lates.

one hundred stares,

one hundred advances.

one hundred hugs,

one hundred glances.

one hundred more,

one hundred forevers,

one hundred forgottens,

one hundred nevers.

one hundred truths,

one hundred lies.

one hundred hellos,

one hundred goodbyes.

one hundred regrets,

one hundred breaths.

one hundred apologies,

one hundred deaths.

-DS

 

 

“…i see hell in your eyes…taken in by surprise…touching you makes me feel alive…touching you makes me die inside…”

 

“…you see I cannot be forsaken, because I’m not the only one…”

 

Bullshit.

am i a thought?

am i a whisper?

am i even a memory?

such a long amount of time…reduced to nothing. eyes closed tightly to forget everything that mattered.

how long did she cry for me? how long did she yearn for me? how long did she notice i was gone? was it days…minutes…seconds? was it a blink of an eye to erase every instant we’d spent in love?

what should i believe…that those emotions are buried and are just repressed? sure, that’s what “they” all say…and i don’t see why i should consider that’s possible. i’ve watched this before. i’ve watched one so close just suddenly turn so cold. i’ve watched lips scream passionately “i love you” and in the next breath tell me to “fucking disappear”.

go away, daniel, just leave me the fuck alone.

tell me out of anger…or tell me out of honesty. admit that all love has turned to indifference…or admit that it’s easiest to make me hate you rather than face your emotions.

you weren’t “replaced”…

oh but i was. say it all day until you believe it, and tell me all those small things companionship brings are not simply being incorporated back into daily life with another, and not with me.

thing is, there IS no fucking replacement for me. every situation can be repeated, but it’s never going to be me, and it’s never going to be how you felt when we shared them. i’m not kidding myself any longer about that one.

friends with major relationship problems shouldn’t be the ones making suggestions or comments on how your life could be different. misery loves company. a girl’s biggest competition is always her own girlfriends. sad, really, that their lives can be so miserable and damaged that they only want someone to be on their level in order for them all to relate…to have something in common. pitiful girls in bad relationships only want someone to bitch and complain with them until they convince that girl she’s just as ruined as they are.

opinions were formed based on what they know and their interactions…

should i believe this one? should i believe that surprisingly a small handful of people despise me based on limited interaction? it’s fucking ludicrous. that’s the one that hits below the belt. when everyone i’ve crossed paths with can only express how no one on the planet hates or dislikes me…perhaps take notice that my friends are loyal and in it for the long haul. they aren’t flighty and fickle. i’m sure those opinions were never influenced by constant complaining of all those simple things i “never did” with no mention of all i DID.

my aloofness inspires insecurity. jealousy is now understood, because it’s what i must face daily now by being replaced by lesser beings with superficial traits. is that as deep as one needs to go? was that my problem? is intelligence and profundity too intense for the mild to handle without feeling dumb around me?

or perhaps i should have offered mindless words snatched from the internet, and pulled from the mouths of others. a flowery compliment written from someone better…an objective observation of beauty to boost your esteem to show you my appreciation? my own penned words of expression plucked from my own heart apparently are worthless…

let me flatter you with pretty words so i can pretend i’m deep…let me impress you with dazzling phrases so i can fuck you…

life is so much easier when you live on the surface.

the threat of remembering is the enemy making you forget.

fear of commitment is not one i have. look deeper. at each crossroad where life can continue and progress, it seems the alternate path has been taken instead of the path being traveled. who would understand or even notice though, but with the treatment in the past, it’s no wonder that would be the biggest fear one’s heart may hold. the tragic way things ended after a blissful union would be enough to make me run when the opportunity arose. no one can imagine the travesty suffered during those times. a beautiful partner turned into a raging psychopath, and later a “perfect life” hit too close to home when it could have moved further. and when those same words and desires left my lips in agreement with your feelings, heels turned and you ran. telling me “six months ago” doesn’t apply to “now” is an insult. if i’d realized this was your fear, i could have saved myself months of tears and self-inflicted pain.

i convinced myself she never cared. i convinced myself i was a worthless piece of shit. i convinced myself that i was the monster. with so many mirrors, she still doesn’t see clearly.

all twisted emotional transgressions eventually catch up to all of us when not faced. i beat myself up for 8 years now believing i was the sole cause of the loss of the other big love of my life, only to finally hear it was her mistake. she was young and immature. things are seen differently with age and experience, and all those “terrible” things i was accused of…were her own insecurities. and now the greatest love of my life has walked away giving the same excuses…and should i truly believe this was my doing? should i believe i’m mechanical and dangerous? should i fall on the blade of regret, blaming only my selfishness for the destruction of the most beautiful thing my heart held dear?

NO.

age…indecisiveness…fear…and negativity — those were my adversaries. i’m an amazing friend, a deathly loyal partner, and an exquisite lover. believing otherwise simply makes you blind, or possibly ignorant.

i don’t want to hear what logic tells you. i don’t care to listen to what society suggests you do. i don’t want to hear what is thought to be “best” because it’s easier.

i want the words the heart sings. i want the notions the emotions speak. i want the expressions the soul shares. no great love comes without effort and consequence.

i will follow my heart, and i will believe in love and hope. if that makes me wrong, then i shall maintain my constant folly.

believe your heart when gazing in my eyes, or believe you now only see darkness. stand near me and tell me i no longer exist.

 

The worst thing about being lied to is simply knowing you weren’t worth the truth. -Unknown

 

The sweetest birthday wish this year

I wish you a beautifully happy birthday my love. You truly do not realize how special a person you are and how uniquely wonderful you are. To not only be honored to have simply conversed with a person of your wonderment, but to have the honor to call you my friend is a gift i should thank the stars for nightly. I love you dearest daniel, and hope to have many more years where i can express my love and sheer luckiness for having you and tell you how happy i am you were born on this day.

 

Happy birthday to me. Sigh. Such an empty one this year.

 

Never loved, never cared Never wanted, never repaired

Never believed, never trusted Never desired, never lusted

Never tried, never could Never fought, never would

Never fixed, never stayed Never talked, never prayed

Never meant, never last Never truth, never asked

Never us, never do Always me, never you.

 

Cover my love with your oil stained tears, pile me in the corner where your dreams used to be, ignite me with the last spark of my heart, watch the wasted years burn within the single instant you closed your eyes, cover your soul with my ruined ashes to remind you that I was only a mistake.