You’ve officially crossed the fucking line. Don’t knock on the door of a monster, because the monster may just knock back. You’ve been spared thus far, don’t tempt being devoured. I know every single word to drop you to your knees.

 

And even still…

…my bed is the one place I still fear, the room I dread. Nothing hurts more than walking in here each night and the flood of memories that ensue.

Must be nice not having that problem or association. Guilt would certainly stop me from sharing my bed this soon.  I can’t even think about that or consider it.  The thought just makes me sick.  I can’t picture myself with my hands on another woman, and especially the thought of someone’s hands all over…her…is just sickening.  But that’s what i must accept and deal with.  These are the thoughts that slowly kill me.

And no one would understand anyway, that these are reasons I never sleep.

 

So fucking selfish, I never believed I’d love someone who wants to behave this way. When did you become so convinced you were God’s gift to man?

And you call ME the arrogant one.

 

bullshit.

am i a thought?

am i a whisper?

am i even a memory?

such a long amount of time…reduced to nothing.  eyes closed tightly to forget everything that mattered.

how long did she cry for me?  how long did she yearn for me?  how long did she notice i was gone?  was it days…minutes…seconds?  was it a blink of an eye to erase every instant we’d spent in love?

what should i believe…that those emotions are buried and are just repressed?  sure, that’s what “they” all say…and i don’t see why i should consider that’s possible.  i’ve watched this before.  i’ve watched one so close just suddenly turn so cold.  i’ve watched lips scream passionately “i love you” and in the next breath tell me to “fucking disappear”.

go away, daniel, just leave me the fuck alone.

tell me out of anger…or tell me out of honesty.  admit that all love has turned to indifference…or admit that it’s easiest to make me hate you rather than face your emotions.

you weren’t “replaced”…

oh but i was.  say it all day until you believe it, and tell me all those small things companionship brings are not simply being incorporated back into daily life with another, and not with me.

thing is, there IS no fucking replacement for me.  every situation can be repeated, but it’s never going to be me, and it’s never going to be how you felt when we shared them.  i’m not kidding myself any longer about that one.

friends with major relationship problems shouldn’t be the ones making suggestions or comments on how your life could be different.  misery loves company.  a girl’s biggest competition is always her own girlfriends.  sad, really, that their lives can be so miserable and damaged that they only want someone to be on their level in order for them all to relate…to have something in common.  pitiful girls in bad relationships only want someone to bitch and complain with them until they convince that girl she’s just as ruined as they are.

opinions were formed based on what they know and their interactions…

should i believe this one?  should i believe that surprisingly a small handful of people despise me based on limited interaction?  it’s fucking ludicrous.  that’s the one that hits below the belt.  when everyone i’ve crossed paths with can only express how no one on the planet hates or dislikes me…perhaps take notice that my friends are loyal and in it for the long haul.  they aren’t flighty and fickle.  i’m sure those opinions were never influenced by constant complaining of all those simple things i “never did” with no mention of all i DID.

my aloofness inspires insecurity.  jealousy is now understood, because it’s what i must face daily now by being replaced by lesser beings with superficial traits.  is that as deep as one needs to go?  was that my problem?  is intelligence and profundity too intense for the mild to handle without feeling dumb around me?

or perhaps i should have offered mindless words snatched from the internet, and pulled from the mouths of others.  a flowery compliment written from someone better…an objective observation of beauty to boost your esteem to show you my appreciation?  my own penned words of expression plucked from my own heart apparently are worthless…

let me flatter you with pretty words so i can pretend i’m deep…let me impress you with dazzling phrases so i can fuck you…

life is so much easier when you live on the surface.

the threat of remembering is the enemy making you forget.

fear of commitment is not one i have.  look deeper.  at each crossroad where life can continue and progress, it seems the alternate path has been taken instead of the path being traveled.  who would understand or even notice though, but with the treatment in the past, it’s no wonder that would be the biggest fear one’s heart may hold.  the tragic way things ended after a blissful union would be enough to make me run when the opportunity arose.  no one can imagine the travesty suffered during those times.  a beautiful partner turned into a raging psychopath, and later a “perfect life” hit too close to home when it could have moved further.  and when those same words and desires left my lips in agreement with your feelings, heels turned and you ran.  telling me “six months ago” doesn’t apply to “now” is an insult.  if i’d realized this was your fear, i could have saved myself months of tears and self-inflicted pain.

i convinced myself she never cared.  i convinced myself i was a worthless piece of shit.  i convinced myself that i was the monster.  with so many mirrors, she still doesn’t see clearly.

all twisted emotional transgressions eventually catch up to all of us when not faced.  i beat myself up for 8 years now believing i was the sole cause of the loss of the other big love of my life, only to finally hear it was her mistake.  she was young and immature.  things are seen differently with age and experience, and all those “terrible” things i was accused of…were her own insecurities.  and now the greatest love of my life has walked away giving the same excuses…and should i truly believe this was my doing?  should i believe i’m mechanical and dangerous?  should i fall on the blade of regret, blaming only my selfishness for the destruction of the most beautiful thing my heart held dear?

NO.

age…indecisiveness…fear…and negativity — those were my adversaries.  i’m an amazing friend, a deathly loyal partner, and an exquisite lover.  believing otherwise simply makes you blind, or possibly ignorant.

i don’t want to hear what logic tells you.  i don’t care to listen to what society suggests you do.  i don’t want to hear what is thought to be “best” because it’s easier.

i want the words the heart sings.  i want the notions the emotions speak.  i want the expressions the soul shares.  no great love comes without effort and consequence.

i will follow my heart, and i will believe in love and hope.  if that makes me wrong, then i shall maintain my constant folly.

believe your heart when gazing in my eyes, or believe you now only see darkness.  stand near me and tell me i no longer exist.

 

unfuckingbelievable

at least that’s what i should be saying, but not this time.  no, it’s perfectly believable since it isn’t the first time.  it’s not even the second time.

so i’m strung along, beaten down, and ultimately lied to and replaced.  awesome.  i’m really glad i could waste so much time and energy.  and then i’m told that I’M the one saying mean things, when all i did was make ACCURATE observations.  even called it right after the ring about the “omg your arms should be around ME right now!” post…and still i’m lied to.

do truths ever exit your lips?

 

ugh

Tell me how I should feel right now. I just feel so distant and so disconnected. Once things were so close and I had someone to love, and now they’re so in love with another.

Where does that leave me? Broken, bruised, forgotten, sore…too fucked up to care anymore…

Am i really so terrible and so easily replaced by someone so far below me? Every time?

 

wish it could be different!

But it seems it will not. My words appear to be falling on deaf ears, so within due, short time, I must accept it and disappear. Our souls cannot exist like this. I know this and she knows this…and since they’ve been separated, it is likely best to ensure they fully pull apart. My soul will not rest without it’s mate, and perhaps it is only my soul feeling the loss and separation. Perhaps it’s mate does not need the connection with mine to remain feeling whole.

It hurts immensely, but it is what must be done when the time presents itself. The souls I’ve touched are all ultimately pulled so violently from me, only to retain the connection with mine, always maintaining the remorse for the suffered loss.

Days remain, but the outcome only feels bleak.

 

inzombiac

One thing I don’t fully understand…is that I was accused of “not changing” and “people don’t change” because “(you) said so yourself”.  Now, granted, I think some of it is out of context, because people don’t change…much.  I know i’ve seen my mistakes come full circle with certain behaviors, mainly the lack of telling girls i want to marry them when THEY want me to tell them.  Attitudes however, can change, which is pretty obvious.  The irony in this whole thing though, is that doesn’t that say the same of others?

If I’m accused of all my bad behavior, all the negative I’ve done, all the insensitivity…that means others are the same too, by that argument.  Deceptive people don’t stop being deceptive, liars don’t stop lying…right?  I’ve had trust that most negative activities people do can be situational, but is that really true?  Most evidence I see of people that act that way…they tend to always act that way, though they will never admit it or find excuses to justify or reasons why they are an exception.  Life would be easier if people would openly admit what they do instead of trying to hide it, especially if it is EXTREMELY OBVIOUS what is going on.

Or is that the problem?  They don’t want to face what they really are, so it’s easier to hide it and not admit it?  We all wear masks, that’s for sure.  Is it embarrassment?  Do we not want others knowing what we are doing because we are ashamed or guilty?  I’ve been hidden before…the guilty pleasure…the boy that girls don’t want to tell their girlfriends about.  I’ve been a dirty little secret.  It was fun for a while, but it soon becomes obvious that the other person is way too insecure to ever make a true relationship work in that situation.  The times I’ve had that happen usually end up in the girl banging some new dude and not wanting to tell me, and then to find some obscure, nonsensical excuse to throw all the blame on me so they can walk away “guilt free”.  Oh well.  Forgive and forget, they’ve figured it out now and most have come around to apologize for their immature behavior.  Guilt usually catches up pretty quickly, I know it does for me.

Who knows.  My brain is jelly right now anyway, had some past experiences floating around that wanted to get typed out.   I think I’ve had about 8 hours sleep total now in about 72 hours, and I’m getting worse.  My eyes are starting to hurt, my reaction times are slowing, and my thoughts are getting duller.  I’m not irritable though, which is surprising.  I may be a bit quicker to annoyance due to ignorance though.  I was asked a stream of ignorant questions yesterday and it was all I could do to not just tell someone they’re an idiot.  Only 5 more hours…then to decide if I want to stay awake until nighttime to stay on schedule or try to fall asleep after work.

The flood of thoughts is just horrible.  I used to have mental exercises to try to help fall asleep, but the images hit the back of my eyes so quickly I can’t even hold focus on one single thing.  Even without trying, faces, people, scenes, imagery…all of it just starts pouring in when my eyes are closed.  The kind where it feels that it is being seen “outside” your eyes, not inside your mind, if that makes sense at all.  When one closes their eyes tightly and sees flashy light…that’s what I’m referring to.  Those flashy lights and colors pull together and form figures, faces, things, and are set into motion as a visual.  And yes…as it has been for so many nights now, the dangerous beauty still creeps in every time.

Even still, all the angst, betrayal and jealousy just goes away when she smiles in my mind.  Sigh.  I’m ridiculous.  Maybe I dodged a real bullet on that one by being rejected. I could have taken steps to get closer many months ago, and this blowup and total change could have happened afterwards…or maybe never would have.  Who can say, really.  And all the months of defending my actions to everyone’s dismay, it gets exhausting.  I can only follow my heart, and I don’t believe in giving up on love.  Of the many emotions, love is the only bond we can maintain through distance, conflict, hardship, time…you name it.  It is the emotion that holds up forever.  As for dodging a bullet, I always thought the same with Shehag…that maybe it was always best I didn’t propose to her, because now she has 3 lovely kids and a family, and had she stayed that wouldn’t have happened.  I guess Devil’s Advocate though…she wouldn’t be in a prison of a marriage with a controlling prick husband.  We all make choices, right?  I shouldn’t feel sorry for them, not the ones that are now damaged after walking away.  That is what my heart and soul does though…I can’t help but feel pity for the poor little creatures.

I have no idea what I’m talking about…I really need sleep.  And nicotine.

 

subconscious torture…

My dreams aren’t really helping. Still, nightly, all I see is her. It’s still not enough that she is on my mind all day, and I must dream of her too? What exactly is it in me that wants me to keep seeing her? And they aren’t even dreams of past times or memories, but of new places and new experiences. I dream of happy times, I dream of smiling. I dreamt of her being cold in a sleeveless shirt and hugging her to warm her up…and her eyes were so sincere and caring. I want to see them again, the way her nose crinkled at the breadth of her smile when it was pure. So many visions that just won’t go away as much as I try.

And at this point I just keep reminding myself that so much is bullshit and I’m obviously not even a whisper on her lips, or a twinkle in her eye, or a moment in her mind. She gave up on love when it got difficult. She left me for dead and became a new person and it’s horrifying.

I keep repeating my role of stepping stone to learn new things and it’s getting cumbersome. If she even cared, she would have been there for ME.

 

oublier

Maybe all I hear must be true.  Maybe it is time to forget.  Some call it hope…hoping that she may change her mind, but it’s not hope.  That feeling is supposed to make you feel good…and supposed to make you feel like there’s a light at the end of your struggle.  I don’t feel that.  At the end of my tunnel isn’t light, it’s darkness.  The light is behind me, and it’s traveling the other direction, and my feet are moving backwards.

Love is so fickle, I suppose…or is that blameshifting?  Maybe it isn’t love.  Maybe I really am the worst boyfriend in the world.  It would certainly explain why all the girls I’ve loved have walked away.  More self-loathing?  Beating myself up is easier than blaming them.  Alas, they do all choose to leave, that is THEIR decision.  I should have done more to keep them.  I shouldn’t have worked on CONVINCING them.  I should have done enough to not be concerned about them leaving.  But I obviously stop doing that somewhere along the way.

And another meltdown the other day, everything started eating me alive.  It’s always the little things.  Simply standing in a room and all those things flooding back in my mind just buckled me down.  That was my fault for walking that line between communication and silence.  My heart breaks both ways.  Not hearing from her seems more painful, seems like more separation…which the “world” says is what’s best anyway.  And hearing from her, I fall in love with her all over again with the calmness in her voice and the sincerity and friendship.  Where’s the balance?

The compromise my dwelling arrived at was to open the line of communication mutually, for small superficial conversations, but sparsely.  I’d expressed very clearly if this was one sided, that I’ll simply walk away and deal alone, but the feeling was that both of us would like that.  Let’s hope that’s true.  It felt nice, I felt strong again.

If she doesn’t care to talk to ME, then I’ll have no reason to speak to her.  The thing I lost track of…is that I’m a pretty amazing friend.  I’m a great conversationalist, and I can adjust to so many types of people and backgrounds and maintain steady, friendly interaction.  It’s why I so easily turn strangers into friends online, and strangers into friends that I meet only briefly in person.  I’m charismatic and have an wonderfully friendly personality.  To deny that is to delude yourself, and if it’s easier to ignore me so you can convince yourself that my talks and words are worthless, that’s your mistake.

Today, I forget.