All bullshit. Fucked up bullshit. No one in their right mind would believe it.

They only want someone to be in the same shitty predicament as themselves, and that’s nothing I can defend.

Choose your own battles and who you defend.

 

Perhaps it’s true. I’m the one up at 330am still losing sleep. I’m the one in pain. I’m the one who is a fucking idiot for believing.

It’s never going to be any different. Forever forgotten.

 

I’m still fucking broken. And there is one person to blame.

 

You really are just like them…plastic and hollow.  So many things were so undeserved and so unappreciated.

 

This is seriously the worst fucking time of my entire life.

 

From Whence comes all the anger and rage…

 

Sums it up well! Damn country songs…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLF5daSZmYo&sns=em

 

 

A Love That Lasts

Started reading “a love that lasts” and couldn’t put it down until I finished it. This is an amazing book I was given as a gift and certainly should have read it months ago. Thank you.

 

grass is always greener.

seriously…everyone should check this out.  it’s pretty interesting and deeply observational…

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/

 

2010. What to say.

so the year ended. and what is there to say about it? amidst the multiple positive things…and the negative things…i don’t even know how i feel about it now.

where to begin.

though it wasn’t part of 2010, my 2009 ended beautifully with an amazing xmas eve…leading into the new year. day 1 of january was a whirlwind of passion and an unforgettable night.

and then…the planning of my birthday (which has just become so burdensome, since it always seems to snow or storm now). theme was chosen, and then two weeks prior, i was breathlessly surprised by Kellie with a surprise party with nearly 40 of my friends. no one has done that for me in YEARS, and i was totally shocked and amazed that she put so much work, thought, and time into it.

then 2 weeks later…yes, it iced and snowed, so my planned party was slightly a bust. still a great time. based on the wrecked party, i had a third party in february for the remaining folks that had missed out, or just another reason to go drink.

what else. oh yes. around march i decided to finally take steps to lose weight that i’d tried doing for 6 years or more…and i accomplished that goal. i lost 40 pounds (175 to 135) over the course of a few months with diligent calorie counting. i’ve successfully maintained this, and kept the weight off as well. that’s probably the big success of the year.

oh, and then there was Nude:6, which was an amazing time. i tried to step up some of my makeup skills for a zombie skit with my friend and founder of the show (daniel gulick) with a lot of help and motivation from kellie. it turned out great, and she was an amazing sport to let me cover her in blood.

shortly after, there was the 80s prom, and thinking it would be an easy costume…i opted to go as a smurf. again, with the unending help from the wonderful kellie…6 hours later i was blue, and we were both pissed off and frustrated…and went and had a decent time. so much work for such a small time out though, i hated that i’d ruined the night.

what else…Frightmare in Dallas. it was fun, but the event was a bit disappointing. met some cool celebs and had fun, but i really should have taken my partner. had a sentimental moment with William Katt involving his old movie “Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend” which was awesome. plus i got to watch Derek Mears eat his birthday cake in the bar.

i swam in the ocean. well, not really swam, but i was submerged in the water. i went to galveston with kellie and her son, and it was a wonderful time. the kid behaved incredibly for the 9 hour drive too. i went on more vacations with that girl than i have in my entire life i think 🙂 it was a nice trip and a fun little holiday. too bad it was so short.

and then there was Midwest Vapefest. kellie and i drove to st. louis for a “vapers meet” with some of the electronic cigarette community, and i met some wonderful people and made new friends, and partied my ass off. st. louis is a cool city, seems like a lot to do around there. we also visited the Arch, but didn’t go up top. the wait was ridiculous.

and then…the year turned to disaster by september.

some serious fighting began with kellie, and we started pulling apart. the rift was growing and growing, and i was beginning to lose control of my emotions. i didn’t want to lose this girl.

at the time, we both knew we didn’t want it to end and wanted to repair things, so we tried slowly to work out problems.

i began my halloween planning, and spent A LOT buying top quality product to pull off my most amazing endeavor yet, and with the immaculate help of daniel gulick airbrushing me, we created a superb torso painted zombie out of my skinny body. it will be difficult to top that costume, but i’m certainly going to try again this year for halloween. i’d spared kellie from having to help with this costume, which i’m sure she was grateful. she also accompanied me to try to win a big costume contest…and i didn’t, sadly.

and then, the bomb explodes. by the end of the night, she tells me she wants things to end. no more working, no more fixing, that everything is over.

i die inside.

i’d done soul searching the past few months during the fighting, and knew i wanted this girl forever, and ultimately decided to show my intent and passion by purchasing a beautiful engagement ring (yes, i went to Jareds!). obvoiusly now, it was a rash move and i knew better, but i didn’t want to have regrets. my proposal to kellie was refused, and thus my heart and soul has been broken since.

nothing else has really taken place since then…i had a family filled thanksgiving and christmas, and i’m thankful for my friends and family. i’ve reconnected with a lot of old faces, and i’m also thankful for that. i’m nearing 2 years tobacco free too, coming up in february, thanks to vaping and electronic cigarettes.

so here we are. this was not how i planned to enter the new year, and this was the year my life was going to be changing and growing, and i’d planned to begin my family. seems 2011 won’t be the time for this now, so…yeah, can’t say i’m as overly excited about the new year as everyone else seems to be.

so…here’s to my friends, family, lovers, haters, fans and foes. may 2011 be the year we all shine again.

 

“forget me not” June 14th, 2005

will you remember the times i looked at you,

will you remember how i touched your skin?

will you ignore the way i treated you,

will you ignore how things could’ve been?

will you forget so easily the things i did for you,

will you forget how broken your soul was?

will you cast aside my kissing you,

will you cast aside all thoughts of us?

do it. i want to be dead. i want to be gone. i want to be the aftertaste you can’t rid yourself of, the thought that you hide having, the memory you wish was synthetic…

 

will you ever really know? April 22nd, 2006

i’ll never fully organize the thoughts in my head….

how much should it hurt to leave words unsaid?  how much should we regret those last actions that we never took?  how much does it even matter?

i feel alive through the pain and worry, sometimes even thinking that if i’m consoled that i may simply long to feel that same pain again.  what if my words mattered?  what if all those things that have been said really DO mean something?

i wish for a fairy tale, one that i’ll never have.  i want to gaze into eyes and know that nothing else matters.  i want to feel something unreal.  i want to feel something devastating.  i want to have my breath taken away.  i want to fall to my knees in a fit of emotion.

i want another Romeo and Juliet moment…to see someone in a room and know automatically that our souls are dancing…to lust for our lips to touch in one blissful embrace…to feel weightless when our hands touch…

what if?

“there is no you, there is only me”  “i just made you up to hurt myself”  -nin

i know how i am, and i know that i’d only fuck things up again in the way i always do…i’m so erratic and indecisive…i want the things that i’ve lost instead of the things i’ve found.

i’ve hurt so many people….and hopefully i have their forgiveness….people have given me their devotion and attention and in the end i throw it back in their faces…i show you my soul and then i cover it up again…and i’m sorry…and you’ll never understand that my pain is always greater than what i’ve caused you.  i hope that those of you i’ve damaged will learn to respect me for doing it.  self-inflicted pain is so much faster and easier than waiting for you to hurt me…but i’m sure it’s not the solution to my problem.

….have i been myself?  how robotic have i become?  was i something so vastly different that i’d become the monster i’d hated to be?  i shut you out because i was afraid…because i worried i’d only fuck it up…and by closing my heart, i became my own self-fulfilling prophecy…i feared so much that you’d leave me ruined, and my fear only drove you further away…and i gave you no other choice but to tear me apart.

i never liked what i’d become, but i didn’t know any better.  i watched you cry to me, i watched you cry FOR me, and i stayed stonelike and unmoved.  and afterwards i tried to tear you down as well, but have now realized that i was the worst thing that could have happened to you…you deserved better than what i was, no matter how high of regard i kept myself.  i wanted to believe that i was untouchable, that i was the best thing the world had to offer…but i wasn’t.  i was the worst thing you could have had, at least in the end.  somewhere i lost track of my motivation and my love, and i turned it against you and pushed you away in my own self-pity.  part of me so desperately wishes that these words will fall where they need to be, and yet i doubt myself so much that it’s hard to believe they truly will.

i’m probably better off alone, because it’s safer that way.  i can’t hurt you if i push you away.  your heart is safe when it’s outside my grasp.  my touch is cold…i can pretend that i’m flesh but inside i feel so twisted…like i can’t truly open myself to anyone anymore without fear i’ll only make them believe something that isn’t true.  what if things never changed?  how far would it have gone?  how much would you have continued to deal with?

i said i love you….to all of you…and it was true.  don’t ever think or feel that my words were false, or that my emotions weren’t there, because they were.  i’ve tried to learn that what is good for me may not always be good for someone else, even if it means sacrificing something pure and honest.

…my friends would demean me for believing something could ever happen, especially after all the shit that has happened.  but does that mean i should stop believing?  should i stop thinking of it?  should i erase the thought so completely that i’d be cold and distant if it happened?

“what if everything around you isn’t quite as it seems….what if all the world you used to know is an elaborate dream….and if you look at your reflection is it all you want to be?  what if you could look right through the cracks, would you find yourself afraid to see?”  -nin

i’ll show you love, i’ll show you hate…i’ll show you deeper emotion than you’ve ever believed…i’ll make you thankful you met me, and i’ll make you hate me for ever crossing your path….

what would it take for you to believe in me again?

 

another shehag-ism 2005

I asked for the opposite of you, I got what I asked for..another me. …   I’ve decided this must be how it is for me.  If there is a soulmate out there for me, someone must have stolen him, as I am engaged to someone elses.  Isn’t that a scary thought?  Just as I am holding onto someone elses soulmate, in a desperate hope he will change into mine, my real soul mate might be out there unhappily married to another.  Scary thought?

 

Quote from Shehag 2005 —

“You know, it didn’t matter how many times I heard, I can’t see you two together. This shouldn’t be a statement to make either couple feel like the better one, obviously if you’re too different for her friends it’s prolly true that she didn’t match up wiht yours either. It always made me mad- that statement, because it made it sound like you weren’t good enought for me or something, if I was shallow enough to let that go to my head, I wasn’t good enough for you either then. That’s how it should be. In the end all that matters is you two and later your family. you don’t come home to hear about everyone elses drama, you care about your family and nothing else matters as much.”