i’ll never fully organize the thoughts in my head….

how much should it hurt to leave words unsaid? how much should we regret those last actions that we never took? how much does it even matter?

i feel alive through the pain and worry, sometimes even thinking that if i’m consoled that i may simply long to feel that same pain again. what if my words mattered? what if all those things that have been said really DO mean something?

i wish for a fairy tale, one that i’ll never have. i want to gaze into eyes and know that nothing else matters. i want to feel something unreal. i want to feel something devastating. i want to have my breath taken away. i want to fall to my knees in a fit of emotion.

i want another Romeo and Juliet moment…to see someone in a room and know automatically that our souls are dancing…to lust for our lips to touch in one blissful embrace…to feel weightless when our hands touch…

what if?

“there is no you, there is only me” “i just made you up to hurt myself” -nin

i know how i am, and i know that i’d only fuck things up again in the way i always do…i’m so erratic and indecisive…i want the things that i’ve lost instead of the things i’ve found.

i’ve hurt so many people….and hopefully i have their forgiveness….people have given me their devotion and attention and in the end i throw it back in their faces…i show you my soul and then i cover it up again…and i’m sorry…and you’ll never understand that my pain is always greater than what i’ve caused you. i hope that those of you i’ve damaged will learn to respect me for doing it. self-inflicted pain is so much faster and easier than waiting for you to hurt me…but i’m sure it’s not the solution to my problem.

….have i been myself? how robotic have i become? was i something so vastly different that i’d become the monster i’d hated to be? i shut you out because i was afraid…because i worried i’d only fuck it up…and by closing my heart, i became my own self-fulfilling prophecy…i feared so much that you’d leave me ruined, and my fear only drove you further away…and i gave you no other choice but to tear me apart.

i never liked what i’d become, but i didn’t know any better. i watched you cry to me, i watched you cry FOR me, and i stayed stonelike and unmoved. and afterwards i tried to tear you down as well, but have now realized that i was the worst thing that could have happened to you…you deserved better than what i was, no matter how high of regard i kept myself. i wanted to believe that i was untouchable, that i was the best thing the world had to offer…but i wasn’t. i was the worst thing you could have had, at least in the end. somewhere i lost track of my motivation and my love, and i turned it against you and pushed you away in my own self-pity. part of me so desperately wishes that these words will fall where they need to be, and yet i doubt myself so much that it’s hard to believe they truly will.

i’m probably better off alone, because it’s safer that way. i can’t hurt you if i push you away. your heart is safe when it’s outside my grasp. my touch is cold…i can pretend that i’m flesh but inside i feel so twisted…like i can’t truly open myself to anyone anymore without fear i’ll only make them believe something that isn’t true. what if things never changed? how far would it have gone? how much would you have continued to deal with?

i said i love you….to all of you…and it was true. don’t ever think or feel that my words were false, or that my emotions weren’t there, because they were. i’ve tried to learn that what is good for me may not always be good for someone else, even if it means sacrificing something pure and honest.

…my friends would demean me for believing something could ever happen, especially after all the shit that has happened. but does that mean i should stop believing? should i stop thinking of it? should i erase the thought so completely that i’d be cold and distant if it happened?

“what if everything around you isn’t quite as it seems….what if all the world you used to know is an elaborate dream….and if you look at your reflection is it all you want to be? what if you could look right through the cracks, would you find yourself afraid to see?” -nin

i’ll show you love, i’ll show you hate…i’ll show you deeper emotion than you’ve ever believed…i’ll make you thankful you met me, and i’ll make you hate me for ever crossing your path….

what would it take for you to believe in me again?