the past several nights have been full of dreams. i’ve dreamt of my ghosts…ghosts from the past, present, and future.

i saw the lion, and that was painful. everything felt current, and felt real, and i still have trouble sorting that one out. it was like everything started again exactly where it left off, with none of the potential issues, and it felt like life was continuing the way it should. or, maybe it was a ghost of what would have been. i don’t know. i don’t even remember her voice anymore. i don’t even know if i want to remember. i miss the sense of familiarity and everything we built together. i can only try to appreciate ever finding someone so significant to have such a (possibly mutual) impact on these short human lives. maybe this wasn’t the right life or the right time this go ’round.

i saw the hateful one. for that, i always wake up so confused, but never spiteful. i shouldn’t even care, and i shouldn’t feel a thing, but even after so much, some terrible part of me finds beauty in the dream, and everything feels amazing in the moment. it’s only when i wake up that i remember.

i saw the more recent one, the one so confused. i find the friendship cathartic and meaningful, and value what still remains, but i just don’t know how it is meant to play out. i think things happened they way they needed to, but i wish things didn’t feel so unresolved.

and what of the future? i believe i glimpsed that one too, the one i can’t quite wrap my head around. i’ve felt an anxiety and excitement and nervousness that i haven’t felt in quite a long time, and it makes me afraid. i had a moment recently that i realized i WANT someone to understand, and i WANT to try to show them what i am and what makes me what i am, and i realized there are lyrics that spell it out. that split second where everything felt distant and slowed down, hers was the face that i saw, and this compelling urge that she is the one i want to show. that moment scared me.

these are the times i have to choke down, because my downfall is making these things obvious too soon and too early. this doesn’t seem to be the right time. i had a moment that i ignored that i keep replaying in my head, and it’s unfortunate that i didn’t do what felt right. in one of the outcomes, things were dangerous, and it caused me to pause. i didn’t need to create or influence that outcome, even though it could have been the moment that changed everything.

so now we keep playing, and we keep smiling, and we keep enjoying the tiny moments that we create that cause each other to smile so coyly to ourselves. my smiles may be different, though i must remember that having these moments for myself is still better than never having them at all.